I did something that was very difficult today but has been on my mind a lot lately. I went and visited my grandma’s grave. I have never gone because I have not been ready to deal with it.
My grandma died in 2009. She was the first (and the only) person that has died in my life that I have ever cared about. It was a big shock when she died because she died in a car accident. Thinking about her has always been painful but as time has gone on, I have been able to talk about her as well as the cause of her death. Most of the time, I avoid thinking about her, which I feel is disrespectful and an act of forgetting but I do not want to deal with the tears and pain.
Today was not an easy task. Since I am staying at my parents’ for the holidays, I feel like I have to tell my parents where I am going (just another joy of being home). I knew that I could not voice what I was doing. Plus, it feels like there is a lot of gossip in my family and I did not want all that painful information being discussed often. So I waited until both of my parents went out and then quickly left.
It is about a fifteen minute trip there because it involves going out in the country. Since my dad is a farmer, I was so afraid that I would see him but thankfully I never did.
I left a red silk Christmas flower at the grave. I was reminded of the end scene in Phantom of the Opera when a red rose is left at the grave. However, that scene is all in black and white except for the flower.
I am glad that I did it. A lot of painful feelings were experienced but at least I did it. Like I said, it has been weighing on my mind lately.