Reflection

I have mentioned that my ‘friend’ is bossy and is always telling me her opinion. In counseling, I have been learning to focus on myself. As selfish as that sounds, it is important to pay attention to my needs and not let others control me. Even though she still likes to tell me what to do, I make the decision about whether or not to do it and how I will feel based on my decision.

I have made it no secret though that there has been some distance between my ‘friend’ and me lately which has caused me to feel very alone. It came to my attention this morning that unintentionally, I have been letting her control me even when she is not there. I am letting resentment and anger about our relationship consume me which makes my lonely nights and weekends even worse.

As lonely as I am, I know that the right thing for me to do is to completely let go. I need to stop thinking about her and how we are not friends. That is not going to help with the loneliness but I have got to stop her from controlling my thoughts and feelings.

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Helping or Enabling

There is this large family I know that struggles financially. I understand what that is like because I grew up in a large family too. My mom stayed home in order to not have to pay for a daycare. That meant that we were living off what my dad made as a poor farmer. People were very kind to us. Sometimes, people gave us their old clothes. And even though times were tough, my mom still volunteered with field trips and at church.

Even though I understand what it is like to have a large family and little money, I still feel like I am enabling this family whenever I help them. I have given them clothes before and am currently trying to help them with another issue (I do not give money though). I did some investigating and found that the family has Netflix. Every one of the kids has a tablet that came from Grandma for Christmas.

There are times when I feel like they need the help and then there are the times when I feel like I am only enabling them. Then, I begin to feel really bad. As a Christian, I know that it is my duty to help. Plus, it is not really the kids’ fault at this time. However, they are learning from their parents. And even with the information I learned from my investigations, I know that I do not know everything about this family and should therefore make no judgments. I am just at a loss about what I should do and how I should feel in this kind of situation.

Repeat

I know I frequently mention how lonely I am. I know I have said that I have given up on my one and only friend before. But that is why it is so hard to do so. I don’t have any other friends. I am alone in this stupid town. I spend every night and all day of every weekend alone. I don’t have anyone to share my life with. I don’t have anyone that at least tries to understand me (not that that is exactly easy since I don’t even understand myself).

Sometimes I feel like maybe I should be the one that initiates phone calls. But what am I suppose to say? The only things going on in my life right now are mental illness and loneliness. Even though in the past my friend said that though she doesn’t understand mental illness, she would be there for me. And how would she respond if she learned that I wanted to die because of how bad my life is at the moment? How would she react if she learned that I cut myself the other night? I don’t want her pity. I want a friend.

When I first moved here, I knew pretty early on that this person that let me hang out with her was not my first choice of a friend. She was bossy and quite a few years older than me.  However, she was the only one that helped me my first year of teaching. She also invited me to hang out with her quite often. Last year, she was the reason that I thought I could handle a little more time in this horrid place.

I have spent the weekend and the couple of snow days we had during the week watching movies, coloring, and reading. That is my life every day and honestly, I am getting sick of it. But it is not like there are really other options. Everyone in this horrible place is about eighty years old or into the ranch life. There is no where to go and I am trapped in my apartment all the time.

Who Cares?

I really don’t care. I am basically going through the motions of life and carrying out expectations but I don’t want to. I go to work every day but I don’t want to be there. I teach my students but I don’t want to. Inside me there is this loud voice saying that I don’t belong there. I don’t belong at home either. At home, I am alone. Every night, I pretend that I am a great writer and either write my own fiction or attempt to get freelancing jobs. I try to do life but it really isn’t working out anymore.

I see no point in continuing. Nobody cares. The people in my life wouldn’t miss me. In fact, they would probably get more enjoyment because it would be a great gossip story. They don’t care. Why should I care? There is little happiness in my world. The future seems pretty bleak too. There really is no point.

When God Isn’t There by David Bowden

All Christians want more of God but there are times when He feels very distant. In When God Isn’t There by David Bowden, he gives many reasons about how God is always there but not as close as people desire. God works on His own time and His people need to be patient. God is really there and has put His seal on all as a reminder. Often, people expect to find God only at church. God is not trapped in a church building. Church is about bringing God glory and not about how everyone feels after an enlightening service. God came as Jesus to the earth so that He would always be present. He is always there, present and working.

The message in this book is very clear: God is there but distance is good. It is through suffering and searching for Him that enable people to draw near to Him. At times, the main idea of this book may seem a little cruel; that God is far because of what people on earth make God out to be. For example, sin distances one from God. Also, making contemporary church services all about us rather than about God’s glory. However, God has torn the veil that separated all from Him. And one day, He will come back so that every one of His people may dwell with Him on the new earth.

I received a free copy of this book from http://www.booklookbloggers.com/. The ideas are all my own.

Only in This Town

It seems like in this town, life is just supposed to be difficult. That is odd because you would think because would be looking out for each other.

To begin, I have had a bunch of essential errands to do this week and in this town, that is extremely difficult to do. I went to the courthouse to deal with the title of my car at lunch time and found that it was closed for the whole morning due to a funeral. I guess it is great that everyone cared about the deceased but it certainly did not help me. I had to go back that afternoon during my thirty minute break and almost did not make it back in time because I got stuck behind a guy that was licensing about ten vehicles (no joke).

That same day, I needed to go to the bank. The bank is only open until four on weekdays and closed on weekends. As a teacher, I am to stay until four every day except Friday. I was hoping to make it Friday afternoon and that is when a teacher decided that she just needed to talk to another teacher and me, despite me telling her I needed to get to the bank. It seems like when you are in a hurry, people move slower (like at the courthouse). The teacher repeated her idea about ten times (again, no lie). Somehow, I managed to make it with a couple of minutes to spare.

I was also hoping to make it to the post office that afternoon but I did not realize that it closes at three everyday. At least the post office is open for about an hour on Saturday so at least that worked out.

The library also has really bad hours but I realized that right after I moved here. They are only open four days a week and only for a couple of hours. The times vary to accomodate everyone (sort of).

Only in a town this small could businesses not be open during convient hours. It is like they are out to serve only those that are retired because the working people can’t make it. People’s attitudes are also very different.

The other day, my class and another class were out at recess when these two homeschooled boys showed up. These boys became homeschooled last fall and had been told that they could not come for recess. I told the other teacher (who also happens to be my friend) and she did not seem to care. Sure, these boys need to work on their social skills and they were not hurting anything. But if you make an exception, you suddenly have to let the whole town play during the day. And that is when safety becomes an issue.

Only in a small town like this do people look at life differently. It is not the life for me but I still do not know what life is right for me.

 

Teacher Irritation

I was so irritable today. There are probably a multitude of factors that contributed as well. My throat has been hurting slightly and I got very little sleep last night (possibly a fever?). Then, there is the joy of my medication changing. On top of that, there is having to go to work when I do not enjoy my job. Then, it was my day for noon lunch/recess duty (a very unpleasant experience) and I had to change my ortho appointment to even later this month.

Of course, my irritation got taken out on my students. Sometimes, I actually feel bad but then I realize that sometimes, they just do not think and they need some direction. Take all of today for example. I had a third grader that could not get 7-7. He struggles with subtraction but he also never puts forth much effort. Then, there is the nonstop arguing that I get from my individual students at every recess over the most ridiculous things. I try not to get involved very often. At larger schools, a teacher cannot get involved in every single game. My students need to work on problem-solving. However, the arguing just goes on and on. After that, there were the naughty kids from another class that I had to deal with at lunch time and every week.

When I think of these problematic students (both current and future) it makes me all the more eager to quit teaching. Adults are just as bad but at least I am not totally responsible for someone’s education, safety, and behavior. There is a lot of pressure for teachers. People are quick to blame but they never bother to try to understand what it is like. And the students don’t necessarily make it any easier.

Believe: Proof that God is Real Book Review

Ralph Crawford, the author of Believe: Proof That God is Real, is out to prove with evidence that God is real and that the Bible is real. He begins by explaining the miracle of the creation of the world with detailed science and then continues with the creation of man and the miracles of the human body. These miracles are only possible through God. After that, there is a history of the Bible and its validity. Next, Crawford talks about some big sins of political leaders in the United States and national disasters that occurred usually the next day. Finally, he mentions many miracles that can only be from God.

Crawford was out to show evidence that God is real and he did provide many inspiring examples and miracles that are intended to make all non-believers and believers think about the truth. However, these miracles were mentioned in the last few chapters of the book. The beginning chapters were devoted to creation of the universe and mankind and because of that, it was basically like reading a science textbook. It was all very difficult to read and then to understand and process, despite the importance of showing evidence of God. These chapters were very boring. I would only recommend this book to scientists because of that.

I received this book free from BookLook Bloggers for advanced reading.

Negativity

I just got back from counseling (she is seeing patients on a Sunday because she is gone all this week). I feel that I need to reflect on everything that we discussed and has been going on in my life.

She told me that I have a lot of negativity in my life and that I need to think positively. I agree. It is hard to believe though that I used to be an extremely optimistic person. There are a lot of difficult things going on in my life right now though. I do not like my job, I am alone all the time, I find it difficult dealing with my family, and I hate this community. She had me look at some of the positives and reminded me that I am trying to do something about my job and living situation. I guess it is difficult to think about what I am attempting to do when I have no idea what I want to do.

She reminded me that I am twenty-six and need to take control of my life. I am trying. I no longer let my friend boss me. I ignore my mom when she tries to tell me what to do. She told me that I need to think of myself. However, I got mixed messages when she said I am not obligated to call my mom and being a good daughter and calling my mom.

My problems are definitely creating more stress in my life. I mentioned that when I was at counseling on Thursday. My medication got switched that day (coincidentally when I was supposed to be having counseling). It is hoped that with this switch, my anxiety and OCD will be managed. My counselor thinks that in several years, with positive thinking, I can get off the medication.

I actually think anxiety is my root problem though. It is so bad that I have no way to control it. On a scale of one to ten, my anxiety is always at a nine or ten no matter what. I am feeling anxious right now just because tomorrow means going back to work.

Life is hard. I was thinking that before they changed my medication and it has just become more conclusive every day. I still see no point to life even though I am not suicidal. My counselor told me that I am making an impact through teaching and writing. But when I do not enjoy teaching and am having very bad luck with writing, it is hard to think that way.

I Just Can’t Do It

I just cannot do it anymore. I just don’t see the point. Every day it is all the same. I go to work and I don’t want to be there. Then, I come home to spend the evening alone. I try to find something to eat that is easy to prepare. I let the dishes stack up in the sink. I see no purpose in doing them. Then, I settled down for the evening to watch a movie and color. That is my life every day and there is no point to it!

The weekends aren’t much better. I am all alone. I try to do chores but what kind of life is that? I hate the monotony of vacuuming, laundry, and cleaning the litter box and the fish tank while trying to find satisfaction.

Today it is really bad. I just cannot do it. They changed my medication two days ago but I do not know if all of these feelings can result so quickly. I am just at a loss at what to do. The only thing good in my life is my cats.