I just got back from counseling (she is seeing patients on a Sunday because she is gone all this week). I feel that I need to reflect on everything that we discussed and has been going on in my life.
She told me that I have a lot of negativity in my life and that I need to think positively. I agree. It is hard to believe though that I used to be an extremely optimistic person. There are a lot of difficult things going on in my life right now though. I do not like my job, I am alone all the time, I find it difficult dealing with my family, and I hate this community. She had me look at some of the positives and reminded me that I am trying to do something about my job and living situation. I guess it is difficult to think about what I am attempting to do when I have no idea what I want to do.
She reminded me that I am twenty-six and need to take control of my life. I am trying. I no longer let my friend boss me. I ignore my mom when she tries to tell me what to do. She told me that I need to think of myself. However, I got mixed messages when she said I am not obligated to call my mom and being a good daughter and calling my mom.
My problems are definitely creating more stress in my life. I mentioned that when I was at counseling on Thursday. My medication got switched that day (coincidentally when I was supposed to be having counseling). It is hoped that with this switch, my anxiety and OCD will be managed. My counselor thinks that in several years, with positive thinking, I can get off the medication.
I actually think anxiety is my root problem though. It is so bad that I have no way to control it. On a scale of one to ten, my anxiety is always at a nine or ten no matter what. I am feeling anxious right now just because tomorrow means going back to work.
Life is hard. I was thinking that before they changed my medication and it has just become more conclusive every day. I still see no point to life even though I am not suicidal. My counselor told me that I am making an impact through teaching and writing. But when I do not enjoy teaching and am having very bad luck with writing, it is hard to think that way.