I just got back from counseling (she is seeing patients on a Sunday because she is gone all this week). I feel that I need to reflect on everything that we discussed and has been going on in my life.

She told me that I have a lot of negativity in my life and that I need to think positively. I agree. It is hard to believe though that I used to be an extremely optimistic person. There are a lot of difficult things going on in my life right now though. I do not like my job, I am alone all the time, I find it difficult dealing with my family, and I hate this community. She had me look at some of the positives and reminded me that I am trying to do something about my job and living situation. I guess it is difficult to think about what I am attempting to do when I have no idea what I want to do.

She reminded me that I am twenty-six and need to take control of my life. I am trying. I no longer let my friend boss me. I ignore my mom when she tries to tell me what to do. She told me that I need to think of myself. However, I got mixed messages when she said I am not obligated to call my mom and being a good daughter and calling my mom.

My problems are definitely creating more stress in my life. I mentioned that when I was at counseling on Thursday. My medication got switched that day (coincidentally when I was supposed to be having counseling). It is hoped that with this switch, my anxiety and OCD will be managed. My counselor thinks that in several years, with positive thinking, I can get off the medication.

I actually think anxiety is my root problem though. It is so bad that I have no way to control it. On a scale of one to ten, my anxiety is always at a nine or ten no matter what. I am feeling anxious right now just because tomorrow means going back to work.

Life is hard. I was thinking that before they changed my medication and it has just become more conclusive every day. I still see no point to life even though I am not suicidal. My counselor told me that I am making an impact through teaching and writing. But when I do not enjoy teaching and am having very bad luck with writing, it is hard to think that way.


One thought on “Negativity

  1. I agree with you, anxiety is likely the root problem. Other things, like OCD, occur as a way to manage and decrease the anxiety (even though they add to it).
    I’m hoping she helped you with positive thinking, rather than just telling you to do it.

    Liked by 2 people

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