Repeat

I know I frequently mention how lonely I am. I know I have said that I have given up on my one and only friend before. But that is why it is so hard to do so. I don’t have any other friends. I am alone in this stupid town. I spend every night and all day of every weekend alone. I don’t have anyone to share my life with. I don’t have anyone that at least tries to understand me (not that that is exactly easy since I don’t even understand myself).

Sometimes I feel like maybe I should be the one that initiates phone calls. But what am I suppose to say? The only things going on in my life right now are mental illness and loneliness. Even though in the past my friend said that though she doesn’t understand mental illness, she would be there for me. And how would she respond if she learned that I wanted to die because of how bad my life is at the moment? How would she react if she learned that I cut myself the other night? I don’t want her pity. I want a friend.

When I first moved here, I knew pretty early on that this person that let me hang out with her was not my first choice of a friend. She was bossy and quite a few years older than me.  However, she was the only one that helped me my first year of teaching. She also invited me to hang out with her quite often. Last year, she was the reason that I thought I could handle a little more time in this horrid place.

I have spent the weekend and the couple of snow days we had during the week watching movies, coloring, and reading. That is my life every day and honestly, I am getting sick of it. But it is not like there are really other options. Everyone in this horrible place is about eighty years old or into the ranch life. There is no where to go and I am trapped in my apartment all the time.

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