“How are you doing?”
Asking someone how they are doing is a very common question and yet so frequently, someone is not fine. In No More Faking Fine by Ester Fleece, she addresses the necessary process of grieving, or lamentation. Without lamenting, faith can be lost. It is easy to move on with life and forget about the sadness or make comparisons to people who might have it worst. Lamenting brings everyone closer to God, however. This is not a time to be strong. The disciples lamented. Jesus lamented. Jesus even questioned God when on the cross. It is ok to question God. God wants our pain in order to heal us and move on with life.
Ester Fleece presents a strong message about lamenting and how good it is for the body in order to heal and then move on with life. The author suffered from depression herself and gives stories of her life and examples of when she tried to be strong and when she finally needed to just relax and lament. There are tough times in life. It is not karma from God. God is needed during the lamenting process and then afterward when there is a feeling of peace that comes from accepting and processing life’s tough moments.
I was provided a free copy of this book from Book Look Bloggers.
Some of the people at school know that I am looking for a job. They know that I want a job outside of education. The bad thing is, some of these people are gossips. I need references, though. And that means asking some people.
I have always found it difficult to ask people to be references. I really do not get close enough for people to ever really get to know the real me. The people that actually do meet reference material end up leaving or something that makes it difficult for them to become references. My jobs haven’t always made it easy to find references, though. I quit that job at the pool. That job had the same boss as when I worked summer recreation the two summers before that. Then, I worked in an office in college. They were great references but I haven’t been there since 2012. The school I am at right now is very small and that limits potential references.
Anyway, references are not only difficult to find but with my social anxiety, it is even more difficult for me to ask. So yesterday was a big deal for me.
The worst thing about this whole situation is that a lot of people know but my ‘friend’ does not. I cannot ask her to be a reference. Also, she was not even at school yesterday. I am not sure whether I should tell her tomorrow so that she will find out from me or if I should just pretend that it is not a big deal and let her find out from the gossips. We are not really close anymore but I have a feeling that she will be upset if she finds out from them. I just don’t know what to do.
At counseling the other day, my counselor had me make a list of 50 things that make me happy. It is hard to think of 50 things on the spot. Plus, it would have been easier to do this at home where I would be surrounded by plenty of things that make me happy. Surprisingly, I was able to finish the list and was praised by my counselor for being able to do it.
On my list, I put my cats and favorite books, movies, and TV shows. I also put the different types of writing I do. I listed my brothers and my aunt and uncle that I see often when I live in the city during the summer and work at the amusement park. However, I was unable to put my mom and dad on the list.
That night, I could not help but dwell on how I left my mom and dad off of the list. They were good parents. They were actually involved in my life. They gave me everything I ever needed. Things have changed in the last few years, however. Now, I dread going home to visit or even talking to them on the phone.
My mom is a hoarder. She is not as bad as the ones on TV but she still feels the need to keep all of my brothers’ old toys and books even though the youngest is sixteen. I hate going home and being surrounded by all the stuff. It also doesn’t help that the house is extremely dirty. I do not expect my mom to be a neat freak. She is a busy person. There are times when the dust is very thick and the floors haven’t been vacuumed. One time, I went home and there were no clean bed sheets. My mom kind of made it my problem. I was tired of dealing with the mess so I thankfully, I just happened to have my sleeping bag.
Then, there is the fact that my parents, particularly my mom, feel the need to offer unwanted (and not nice) advice. I still get lectured about traveling in any amount of snow. I got a really bad lecture last November when it snowed and then immediately melted away and I made a trip the day after that. I am not stupid. The roads were decent. But that is the sort of conversations I get with my parents.
My parents do not make me happy. I dread going home. I dread calling home once a week. Even though they are very kind, they do not make me happy. I feel extremely guilty by putting my cats and my aunt and uncle on my list but not my parents. But if I am not honest in counseling, how is that helping me?
The other night I got offered a freelance writing job. When I first started doing freelance, I seemed to get tons of job offers and I had to really work hard to get all the assignments in on time. Now, the jobs come every once in awhile, when I honestly don’t expect it.
This new job seemed rather odd to me. I was first given a picture of the assignment directions. Then, I was given an example of the assignment and then a list of short videos I needed to watch to complete the assignment. Mostly I write reviews, blogs, and articles so this assignment seemed very different. Most of the time, I never learn where my writing will be used. I always try to imagine it though. And this time, the picture I was getting was for school. I had the suspicion that I was doing someone’s homework.
Another assignment was given to me last night. Again, I got the same resources to complete the project. Only this time, I was even more positive that I was doing someone’s homework. In fact, based on the project, I am doing someone’s speech homework.
I graduated valedictorian in high school and Summa cum Laude in college. I had to work extremely hard. In college, I also worked and had to get classroom observation hours. Time was very precious to me. Yet I still had to do all the work. Even though I am not certain I am doing someone’s work, it is still wrong if I am.
I give the money I earn from writing to a Christian group that funds mission trips. To earn money for doing wrong and then give it to the church just isn’t right. In my mind, it is like the money that was given for Jesus’ death. That money could not be used for the church so instead it was used to buy a graveyard. I feel like I am earning blood money here.
Cheaters never prosper and this guy won’t either. Since I am doing the work, my personal opinion has been inserted into what has been written. I have watched the videos that would have made this guy a better speaker. I would just love it if this guy had to have a discussion in class about the videos. In the end, his cheating will pay (and not just me).