I have been hanging around with my two friends a lot more often in the last couple of weeks. This makes me very happy because I am a very lonely person. I do not have any other friends and I live in the middle of nowhere so there isn’t a lot to do.
Yesterday, my friend invited me to go to this town that is an hour away. I agreed but I had a feeling that I was in for a lecture. After all, my friends just recently found out that I am considering leaving teaching and the decision kind of bothered them. In fact, in church on Sunday, one of them asked if we needed to have a discussion about my career plans.
Sure enough, the lecture came. My friend pointed out everything she considered nice about teaching. I know she had the intention of not only keeping me in this horrid town, but also to keep me in teaching. I felt degraded during the conversation. I really did not say much. My friend just doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know that I was feeling suicidal shortly after I returned to this place last fall and that is why I am currently in counseling. She doesn’t understand the anxiety and depression that fills me at work. For me, there are no nice things about teaching. I am very unhappy.
I did not say anything though. I felt like a little kid being told what to do. The tears threatened but I managed to hold them at bay. I am still trapped here for another two months and I want friends. But having no friends is just as bad as the lecture I endured yesterday.
I do not know how to communicate to my friends what I am feeling. I do not even understand my emotions or my thoughts. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea how to support myself and be happy at the same time. And it is the lecture that is making me consider why life is really worth living. I try to remind myself that God has a plan for me and I just need to be patient but it is so hard. There are only two more months of school left and I have no answers.