My New Job

As I mentioned in my last post, I quit teaching in December and got a job at a cash advance place. I like my job as well as the other girl that I work with. I feel like I do a good job. I like helping the customers and I find the work satisfying.

However, the one thing I hate about my job is collection calls. I know that I am not very good at them because I am too nice. People can give me an excuse for not paying and then tell me they will be in on a later date and that is absolutely fine with me. That is not ok with my boss. He told my manager that if I don’t improve on my phone calls, then I will be fired.

I was stunned when I heard this and am not afraid to admit that I was in tears. I know that my calls are bad but I figured the rest of my work more than makes up for my calls.

Plus, I do not see why calls have to be such a big focus in my line of work. Sure, that is how we get customers to come in and pay off their loans but other than that, our work is primarily assisting customers with their loans. But the company insists that calls are extremely important and we have to listen to our calls and evaluate them every day. It is a major pain and not fun.

Phone calls make me nervous which results in me pulling my hair out. Right now, I have only one eyebrow and that one has a bald patch in it. The growth of my missing eyebrow was destroyed yesterday when they made me practice calls with other employees.


Living in a Fantasy World

It has definitely been a while since I last posted. I quit teaching in December and I don’t think I have written since then. So here is a little update on what I am doing.

I work at a cash advance place. I like working there as well as the other girl I work with. But I am not proud of the work I do. Basically, I help people that are in need of money. Some people legitimately need the help but some people come in every time they pay their loan back to borrow more money. In other words, I am helping people that cannot manage their money.

As much as I like my job, I do not feel like I am making a difference in the world. Lately, I have had a longing to move back to the middle of no where and resume teaching. I had it all planned out. I would get the teaching job (at a different school than where I originally taught but still in the general area where I was living before). Then, I would quit my job and take a brief trip to Florida (I really want to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter). Then, I would return to the amusement park to work for the summer and then return to teaching.

However, I feel like my fantasies are not going to come true. I did apply to one school but I have not heard back from them. That means that my dreams are in vain. I cannot go to Florida because I don’t have any vacation time. I also cannot return to the amusement park unless I quit my current job.

When I applied to the school, I knew that I might not get the job and if I didn’t, then it would just be part of God’s plans. However, right now, I am frustrated with God’s plans for me. I feel like my way is better and I know that is wrong.

Social Anxiety

I suffer from social anxiety disorder and it stops me from getting out in the world and making friends. As lonely as I am, it is so hard to interact with people.

Now that I have moved to a new community, I have no friends. I look at every person I meet as a potential friend. And the invitation came the other night. I was invited to hang out with two other new teachers. The plan was to eat pizza and watch a movie.

Despite the nature of the activities, I did not want to go. My stupid anxiety was getting in the way. I kept trying to think of some excuse to get me out of the gathering but I did not want to appear rude. Plus, I wanted friends.

Last night, I went to the gathering and had a great time. I was there for almost six hours. I am glad I faced my anxiety and hung out with friends.

Is ADHD an Excuse?

As a teacher, it can be difficult teaching a student that has ADHD that is not taking medication. When they are unfocused or getting in trouble constantly, you feel like no other child is getting attention because you are too busy dealing with the one kid. I know some people are very against medicating kids. You can easily tell the ones that need it though.

I am not out to talk about the kids though. I want to talk about adults with ADHD. To me, ADHD is similar to depression and similar disorders. Anyone with these disorders has to find a way to deal with the struggles while trying to function in society. It is not easy. When my depression has me feeling down, it is hard to go about basic life and do simple things like brushing my teeth, washing dishes, or getting out of bed. Work is nearly impossible but I still somehow manage. (I know for some people though, it can be so severe that disability is needed; that is not everyone though).

I do not believe that ADHD should be an excuse for most adults either. Coping mechanisms need to be established so that they can contribute to society. I do not believe that it is an excuse to not take care of your children or to not pay bills or any of the other things that adults are expected to do.

If we all dig deep enough, we could all probably find excuses that could be used to stop us from participating in the real world. But then, there would be no society. As an adult, the excuses need to stop. It is time to grow up and be a responsible citizen. Sure, any disorder can slow a person temporarily or lead to mistakes. But it is only a small thing. In the end, we are expected to take care of ourselves.

So Far Behind

It feels like forever ago when I was last able to write. My life has been so crazy lately that I do not even have a chance to sit down and relax. And maybe that is my fault. Maybe I am taking on too much.

On Tuesday, I had to go to some conference. i really did not want to go but my friend talked me into it. That was before I decided that I could tell her no. But that meant leaving Monday night and getting back Tuesday evening. The worst thing about being a teacher is that taking a day off is actually more work that actually being there. So I did something I rarely do and got up early Wednesday morning to go to work with the intention of getting something done. And then I went in early on Thursday and Friday because it seemed no matter how hard I worked, I always was behind. I have never been so disorganized or behind in all of the time I have been teaching.

To make my life a little more complicated, I took on a difficult freelance job. I have had to write numerous articles and every one of them has required research. Then, I have had to write anywhere between 1,500 words to 2,500 words. Those articles do not go very fast. The thing that keeps me going though is knowing that the money is going to God.

Because of my crazy life, I was unable to go to the volleyball game on Thursday. This game was the game before state or something like that. I actually did not want to go because I am not a sports person. However, my friend was going and that is why I wanted to go. We rarely spend any time together anymore and I figured it would be kind of nice. But I finally turned her down because I knew that I would feel better staying at home and catching up on work.

I am very good at managing my time. But maybe I just need to slow down and take a breath. I am sure God will understand.

All Alone

I came back from my city job at the amusement park on Monday. I was not ready to leave but I need time to get the classroom ready for school. Ever since I got back though, I have felt extremely lonely. I never felt that way when I was at the amusement park. It is not like I had guests over at my camper at the amusement park. Occasionally I would hang out with friends but it was not very often because we were all busy working.

People have welcomed me back but that is about the extent of the conversation. It really does not bother me I guess because I really have nothing to say to these people. They are just familiar people to me that I recognize by face. It is amazing though how many people in this tiny town say how happy they are that I am here but yet I stay locked up in my apartment alone every night. I have yet to see my friends since I have been back either. That makes the loneliness even worse. I check my cell phone often; hoping that there was a call or a text I missed. I have turned the volume up so that way if someone does contact me, I will know right away.

I noticed that while I was working at the amusement park, I could talk to anybody. I worked with lots of other people and I rarely had problems talking to them. I also had no trouble talking to the guests at the park. That was a big deal because I have social anxiety. But now that I am back home, the social anxiety has returned. I have a hard time looking at people directly. I also have nothing to say. It is odd that a person with social anxiety can speak to strangers and not to familiar people but I think I know why. I am not afraid of strangers judging me because they do not know me and that will be the only encounter I have with them. People in this small town know me and therefore judge me based on my actions. That is why it is difficult going to the grocery store but it is ok to go to Walmart.

I guess it is time to get ready for bed and hope for some sleep and wish that my loneliness will go away.

Going to the Dentist with Anxiety

I have been experiencing pain in my mouth for the last couple of days and it just wouldn’t go away. I did some research and was not finding any answers. Besides, I could not even tell if the pain was from my jaw or tooth. I finally had it and decided to look into a dentist. I hate going to the dentist. It is also way worse when you have anxiety disorder. It is a good thing I only had a couple of hours before I needed to be there because the longer I have to think about it, the worse my anxiety gets.

I am still in the city for the summer so I did some research and found one close by. I went in yesterday and they could not find any cause for my pain. They finally decided that because my antidepressants cause me to grind my teeth, I probably had a sore jaw and was given some medication. They also said that braces would probably help.

I told them that I had an appointment next week for braces. I wrote about a month ago that I was not sure if I should get braces as an adult or not. I  made a pros and cons list and decided to go through with it once I get back home for the school year. They also said that I should actually get a cleaning too before I get braces.

The cleaning was this morning. I had about twenty four hours to worry about it but I guess that is better than having the appointment scheduled on the calendar months in advance. Surprisingly though, I did not take my anxiety medicine that I can take whenever I am experiencing high anxiety. I just took my regular medication.

Unfortunately, I did have a couple of cavities but I guess that is what I get for not going to the dentist in forever. I guess I have learned my lesson. I also have another reason for getting braces: My teeth are so crooked that it is hard to brush and floss them.

Anxiety at the Amusement Park

I absolutely love my job at the amusement park. However, it also causes me great anxiety. It does not help that last year, I had several encounters with unpleasant guests that were very upset that the park was closing and then they could not ride rides anymore.

This year, I decided to ask my boss if I could mostly work the 9-5 shift instead of the 12-closing shift. I still have to have at least one night shift because we all take turns closing down a particular ride. I also have one other night shift. Even though I still find it difficult to handle the night shifts, I will take two of them over anymore. Plus, to make it even easier on me, I was not given the night shift on weekends.

I feel really horrible about asking for the 9-5 shifts though. I feel like instead of dealing with what makes me anxious, I took the easy way out and decided to avoid the problem all together. My friend agrees. I am an assistant manager and my friend says that it will hold me back from getting promoted. I do like being an assistant manager even though it does have stressful moments, but I know that I would not be able to handle being a manager. I know that the stress would get to me.

I really do not know how to feel in this situation: Disappointed in myself, anxious, or happy that I do not have many closing shifts.

Treatment for Anxiety

A couple weeks ago, I was having serious problems with my anxiety. I was having a very hard time breathing. I knew that it was time to get help. I am afraid of doctors though. I got up the courage to get help one Saturday before work only to find no clinic that treated anxiety on weekends.

I knew that I would have to wait until I got home from my job at the amusement park in order to get help again. I got home late in the afternoon on Monday and I knew that it would be too late to get help. And I figured that today would not be good either because I knew I would be expected to go to school and do some work. I figured I could get away with going on Wednesday though and then go to school for a few hours.

Tomorrow is Wednesday though. I am not sure I should go. My breathing problems have gone away for the time being. Sure, I still have the anxiety that accompanies me every day but it is not major. I have a feeling that it will be major before long though considering school starts in less than a week.

Right now, I am feeling rather depressed and I badly want to cut (so far I have managed to hold off) but I know that my depression is the result of me coming back to this horrible town.

In order to get help though, I have to drive to the neighboring town (another reason to hate this community). Plus, there is construction so this would not be a pleasant trip.

I just do not know what to do.

I Almost Got Help

I have suffered from anxiety for years. When I was seventeen, I was put on medication for awhile because I was having trouble breathing. I did not stay on it for very long though. My anxiety has continued for years. There have been times where I have thought about getting help. There are times when I get no sleep and can’t get my breakfast to stay down. But I am also afraid of doctors and that is what has held me back. My breathing problems have recently returned though. Yesterday at work, I was struggling to get a deep breath. That is when I knew that this has gone on long enough. I decided it was time to get help. Last night I did some research and figured out where to go. Then, this morning, it took a lot of courage but I got in my car and drove there. And that is when I found out that clinic does not treat anxiety on Saturdays. I was recommended to another place and I had some issues getting there but I finally arrived. That is when I discovered that they are not open on weekends. So I decided to find the second place the first clinic had recommended. They were not open yet and by then I needed to get home.

I want help. I really do. I just had no idea how difficult it would be.