Holiday Depression

I thought I would be happy today. I wrote yesterday how awful this week was but since it is now Christmas vacation, I thought my anxiety and depression would take a break too. But when I woke up last night and could not fall back asleep, I knew my problems were continuing.

I have been looking forward to Christmas break for several weeks. It is no secret that I have a very difficult group of students and that this has not been a great year. So that is what I was thinking about in the middle of the night last night. I do not know how I am going to make it through the next half year. And I am also debating about whether I want to come back next year.

And I guess it has been on my mind a lot today as well. That and the fact that I was so lonely today. The only person I talked to today was the person at the gas station. It was such a long and lonely day. But the thing is, I am supposed to go home tomorrow and I am not even looking forward to it.

I wanted to cut tonight but I managed to talk myself out of it and just used a marker to draw lines on my wrist. I was unable to participate in the Lines Project because as a teacher of third and fourth grade, I cannot be promoting self injury. So I guess I killed two birds with one stone.

I just do not understand why I feel so depressed when I should be happy. I have every right to be.


The Week before Christmas in the Classroom

When I made my lesson plans last week, I knew that this week was going to be easy. We had wrapped up every subject except science so with the exception of that class, everything I did consisted of different review activities that I thought the students would enjoy.

On Monday, there was no school due to snow and Tuesday, there was a late start and I just knew my week was going to be even easier than I had originally thought. Really though, this has been one of the worst weeks I have ever experienced.

Tuesday, the students were wound up. I had expected this since my class is usually very wild on a normal day. I knew with Christmas approaching they would be even crazier. But I expected them to be quieter on Tuesday because they always are after a weekend. But I guess because of the snow, they got extra rest. So they just got steadily crazier throughout the week.

Tuesday brought more than just wild students though. On top of my student problems, the music teacher decided the students needed extra music practice for their concert. She kept them an extra thirty minutes. It was a good thing the only subject I wanted to accomplish anything this week was science.

On Tuesday, I also got a bill from the book company saying that I owed money before Christmas. I had not ordered anything recently and I had paid the last bill. But when I called the company, they told me I needed to contact the parent that had ordered the book and get some bank information from them.

Despite the book problem, I figured Wednesday would be easy. We had an inservice in the afternoon so it was a short day. Plus, I got the book problem figured out early that morning after another call to the company. The company was charging me for a book that they had accidentally duplicated in my order. When I told them about the mistake several weeks ago, they told me I could keep the book for free. But then they forgot to take it off my bill.

But then on Wednesday, the students had a surprise music practice. Then, I spent the next two hours at the most pointless inservice ever. We got nothing accomplished. We talked about having meetings to talk about curriculum. We also had a library meeting that lasted thirty minutes even though the idea they decided to go with was the one that I suggested at the very beginning of the meeting.

I was dreading Thursday. It was a full day and I was not in the mood to deal with students. Then, I ended up having two students gone and because I needed to have grades done before Christmas, I was busy trying to arrange makeup work.

I should have known that I could not have a normal, decent day. Because there was a very disorganized music practice that lasted over an hour in which I stayed to help. Then, my students had barely gotten back when another student got sick in the classroom.

Thursday night was the music concert and the students were required to be there an hour early. I showed up about forty five minutes early and then had to help with costumes and makeup. Then, I spent the next hour backstage watching and assisting with the concert.

I went home exhausted. Of course, I did not sleep very good.

I was dreading today as well. I really did not have anything planned because it was the Christmas party. I knew I would be dealing with overexcited kids that do not behave on a good day. And sure enough, they met my expectations. We did not even get out early so I had to spend seven and a half hours watching the kids watch a movie and then play games. It may sound easy but it was not. They would not be quiet and they were not being nice to each other.

I guess now I have two weeks to recover from the short/long week I just experienced. And I am going to need every minute of it.

Countdown till Christmas?

When I was a kid, I could not wait until Christmas. I had a countdown chart and I eagerly counted down the days until Christmas. When I got into college, I looked more forward to the end of the semester and going home then I did for Christmas. It was only after I got home that I started looking forward to Christmas. And now as a teacher, my countdown has changed again. This year, I most look forward to a break from my students. They are wound up on a good day and have been extra wound up since they came back from Thanksgiving. Normally, I look forward to going home on long weekends. I have yet to look forward to going home. Maybe that will change after Friday when we get out for Christmas. And maybe once I get home, I will start looking forward to Christmas.

The Holiday Concert

My students’ holiday concert is next week. Apparently, the students are responsible for some of the costumes so one of the teachers has been helping with a few because she says that their parents won’t help them. I guess I have refused to help my students. I do not teach music so that is not my responsibility. The custodian the other day tried to make me feel guilty that I was not helping.

My choir teacher in high school once said that because of all the extra practices that choir teacher have, they really only make about ten cents an hour. That is a lot of hours. I know that is not true of the music teacher at my school though because it is a small school and she does not have that many students.

With that being said, I still do not think costumes are my responsibility. I am a new teacher that teaches two classes at once. I am lucky if I get a lunch break away from the kids as well as a thirty minute break when they are at specials. I have papers to grade on a daily basis as well as lesson plans and countless other activities to create because I am a new teacher. Often, I have to take work home and go to school on the weekends. I have too much responsibility as it is without adding holiday costumes.

Family and the Holidays

I have always been a family person. I enjoy spending time with my family. I look forward to family events. But lately, I have had the feeling that my dad’s side of the family does not necessarily have the same opinions as me. I am going to use names in this blog but the names have been changed.

Aunt Janet called me this summer when I was still working at the amusement park. She wanted me to join the family for homemade ice cream before I moved to the middle of no where. She wanted to get together some weekend. The call came too late though. I had changed my work schedule the day before for the next week so I was going to be working the next weekend. I was moving the week after that so there were no more weekends for us to get together.

Aunt Janet has always been one to hold a grudge if things do not go her way but since I was about to move really far away, I did not care. Yeah, I was disappointed that I could not join the get-together but it was not my fault. If my aunt had called the day before, I could have done something about it.

The problem with Aunt Janet may be over, but now there is another incident with Aunt Lydia. Aunt Lydia thinks we need to have Christmas early because my grandpa is having his knee replaced a couple days before. The first date I heard was some weekend (I think it was the 14th). I was kind of upset about this date because I will be unable to attend. I am coming home the next weekend for Christmas and am not going to go home the week before. I live too far away to come home for just one weekend. What really bothers me is that nobody even asked if that weekend would work for me. No one seems to even care if I will be able to attend.

The next date for Christmas I heard was December 20th (a Saturday). I could make it home that day but I am actually planning on going home the next day so I can attend a church event. The thing is, I really do not care anymore. If I am not wanted, than should I even bother change my plans?

I know that it sounds like I am being self-centered and witchy, but I am having trouble understanding my feelings involving my family.

Holiday Depression

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of posts about holiday depression. In fact, I was going to write about the phenomena because I was having trouble understanding it. For me, depression has never been seasonal. My depression does not care about the time of year and I was having trouble understanding why people could be more depressed this time of the year. After all, this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. How could anyone feel depressed? In fact, I am usually a little happier this time of year. But then tonight, I finally got it. I understand why people feel depressed this time of year.

Today has not been a very good day for me. I have enjoyed being at home with my family and I am not looking forward to going back to my classroom tomorrow. That is not what has me down though. After a great break, I was feeling on top of the world (except for the part about going to work tomorrow). But that all changed when I started decorating my Christmas tree.

This will be my first Christmas on my own. I bought a Christmas tree this weekend and when I pulled it out of the box, I was immediately disappointed. The tree on the box looks tall and full. I can see through all the branches on my tree. It is a skinny thing. As I started decorating it, I felt even more down. Decorating the tree was always something special for my family. And I had to do it all alone. No one will even be around to admire my tree except me. Basically, I am going to get to spend the next three weeks of Christmas anticipation alone. But at least I have someone to spend Christmas. Some people have nobody.

Because of my Christmas loneliness and other holiday problems, I ended up cutting tonight.