Last week at church, an older woman asked if I would be interested in living with her. I gave it some thought that day. It was tempting because I would not have rent to pay and I would have someone to live with which would be nice on the lonely days. However, after that day, I decided against it. I never gave it another thought. I need my own space. I have a hard time even going home for a visit because I am not used to living with people. I like seeing people during the day but then at night, I want time to myself. I like having it perfectly quiet. When I go home, it is cold and loud. I have to share the bathroom.
I like living alone because I like being able to control the temperature. I like having my own bathroom. I like how I can leave my things however I want. And when I have bad days, there is no shame in not cooking or washing dishes. I can sing when I want.
I was nervous about going to church this morning because I was afraid to see this woman. I knew she would be expecting an answer. When I did not see her, I was relieved. I know that is horrible to think about someone not coming to church though. However, she was just running late and approached me at the end of the service.
I told her that I am hard to live with and that I needed my space. She told me she is hard to live with too. That did not make me really want to live with her after she said that (not that I wanted to anyway). She kept telling me me things though that would make the deal seem more desirable even though I knew that nothing would change my mind. Then, she told me to think about it some more.
I have thought about it a little more and still do not want to accept the deal. I am just unsure how to tell her. I do not want to hurt her feelings but it is me that I need to think about here.
Besides, what happens if it does not work out? Or what if she died? Housing is difficult to find in this tiny town. My apartment would be gone and I would have no where to live.
Today at church, an elderly woman came up to me and said that she had heard that I was thinking about downsizing. I live in a two bedroom apartment just for me but I have definitely not been thinking about downsizing. I do not need the extra space but in a super-small town, I did not have any other options. The apartment works for me though.
However, the woman said that she had an empty basement and was looking for someone to come live with her. The person would have to help her up and down the stairs and remind her to take her medication. There would not be any rent involved.
The idea of no rent is tempting but nothing else about the offer really struck me. I have enough trouble remembering to take my own medication. And no offense, but helping elderly people is really outside of my comfort zone.
I have been living on my own for about a year and a half and really don’t do well with other people. In college, I would have had my own dorm room if I could afford it. I struggle when I go home for breaks because I am so used to living my own life that I do not like being surrounded by people all the time. And when I went to the amusement park this summer, I found it difficult at first living with my aunt and uncle.
I also do not think this woman knows what she is getting herself in to. I have depression. There are days when all I do is watch shows and accomplish nothing. There are days when I have no ambition to cook so I eat quick microwavable foods and leave the dishes for a day when I am feeling better.
Then, there are the time periods where I am never at home because I am with friends. Not to mention during the summer when I leave to work at the amusement park.
While it was a nice offer and tempting to have a companion, it is definitely not for me.
On Thursday, the church was having training to run the soundboard at five o’clock. I really did not want to go. I knew I did not want to go a few days before that. I did not want to go because I am always exhausted after school. When I get home, all I want to do is relax and write. I want to put on my pajamas and do things that I enjoy.
I hoped to forget about the training. But the more I tried to forget, the more I remembered. But it had not been a good day at school. And I used that excuse to stay home and relax.
The next day, one of the teachers asked me why I did not go to training. She has been telling me ever since I came back after the summer that I needed to get trained so that I can run the soundboard. But I have not been very thrilled about the idea.
Since I want out of this town so badly, I am really avoiding things like the training because I believe that after less than a year, it will have been worthless. I think it is a waste of time to invest training in me when I will be of very little help. I know that is the wrong attitude to have though because I am still here for several more months. Plus, maybe the training will help me wherever I end up next.
I just do not want to commit to soundboard training. What happens if I end up on the list and then all of a sudden the Sunday I am supposed to run it, I want to go home. That sometimes happens where I want nothing more than to go home. With very little warning, I am out of here. I do not want to be committed to something and then not be able to fulfill my need to go home.