All I really want to do right now is cut. It was a rough day at work and I know I would feel better. I cut a pair of kid scissors to cut but those scissors are back in my apartment. I thought about bringing them with me when I came to the amusement park but then I thought about it. I knew it was wrong to bring a pair of scissors just so I could cut with them. I knew that by not packing them, I would be better off and maybe I would be able to break the habit.
Right now, the scissors are calling my name. However, in my camper, I do not have kid scissors. I have adult scissors. I am actually kind of scared to use them against my skin. Plus, I do not know what I would say to my coworkers if I showed up at work with cuts all over my arms. I guess I could use bandaids like I did when I first arrived. At that time though, it was cold and I was wearing a sweatshirt. My coworkers like to joke around and even if I covered them with bandaids, their minds would probably jump to cutting.
Why does life have to be so complicated? Why can’t there be a better solution than cutting?
With only four days from being eleven months clean from cutting, I gave in and cut. And the thing is, I am not sorry. I have no regrets. I was really looking forward to being one year clean, but right now, I honestly don’t care how close I was.
How else is a person that loses their hermit crabs suppose to deal with life? I am responsible for their deaths and nothing I do will ever be enough for taking innocent lives. I am guilty. Cutting helped me deal with the guilt and with the horrible pain of losing my pets.
Some people will probably say there are better ways to deal with my loss. However, I am not like everyone else. It is like my brain never learned how to function in the world. That is why I have depression. That is why I am always anxious. That is why I turned to cutting. My brain does not know how to deal with pain and heartache and stress. My mental problems are the result of it. Cutting has become my coping mechanism.
It was surprising how much I missed feeling the blade to my wrist. It is strange how I have missed the searing pain and seeing the red marks.
I want to feel bad, I really do. But I don’t.
Friday was my last day at the amusement park. I went to my parents’ house Saturday and then left for my apartment yesterday (Monday). I was surprised that I did not cry on Friday. I just love the amusement park and will not be able to return until next May. I have never been happier than when I am working at the amusement park.
I did cry in the car yesterday on my way to my apartment. I could not believe that God was taking me away from my family and dragging me to a place where I am so unhappy. I know that God does not care about my happiness. I know He does not care about whether I am living in the city or in a tiny town. But I thought He would care about family. Instead, He is has brought me back to the middle of nowhere, so far from my family.
Yesterday in the car, all I wanted to do was cut. Good thing I did not have any sharp objects with me otherwise I probably would have done it while I was driving. I have been clean for seven months. It is definitely odd having the desire because I was so happy at the amusement park. The thought never crossed my mind.
I am trying to have a positive attitude about being back but it is definitely not easy. I hated being here last year and this year, I know what I am getting into. I was so upset last night that I almost cut. Seven months suddenly meant nothing to me. The only thing that stopped me is the thought that God would be disappointed in me for giving in to sin.
I know that God has plans for me here but why couldn’t He consult with me before He made those plans? Because this is definitely not where I want to be. I want to be closer to my family in a town that is much bigger than this one.
The other day, I thought about myself as a former cutter. The word former really threw me. I did not think of myself as a former cutter. I have been a cutter for the last few years and I have never made it an extensive period of time before giving in to the temptation. The word former could never have been used to describe me. Until now that is.
I have been clean since January 5. I have never made it that long without cutting since the day I began, despite trying to stop on several occasions. I kind of like thinking about myself as a former cutter. Unfortunately, I am also afraid to use the term. Right now, I am fairly happy. Cutting is far from my mind. But I am afraid that after this summer, I will go back home to my teaching job and then I will hate my life again. When that happens, cutting will be on my mind constantly.
Last summer, after the great time I had working at the amusement park, it was difficult teaching. That is why I had started cutting again. Even though last year was my first year and hopefully this year will be better, I am afraid that I will feel the same and start cutting again.
I know I do not have to give in to the thoughts. Believe me, not giving in since January has been extremely difficult. There were days when cutting was all that I could think about. But I made it through. And I will hopefully make it through again.
Today, I am 16 weeks clean from cutting! I am saying that I have tied my previous record from the first time I went clean. I do not know if it is exact because the first time I quit I was very busy and did not really keep track of the time.
I had a rough time stopping the first time just like I did this time. The first time, I kept giving in and cutting every time I had a bad day. Then, I ended up getting a job away from home and that is what stopped me from cutting. I ended up moving in with my aunt and uncle and did not pack my blade. Plus, I had a really great job and that helped with the depression. But then, four months later, the summer was over and I had to come back home. That is when I cut again. It was very disappointing.
And until this last school year, I only cut every couple months. I really did not want to pick up the habit again. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But once I moved here and got a new job, I looked at cutting as necessary in order to deal with my life. That was a mistake because I quickly picked up the old addiction.
There are days like today when I do not miss cutting. I cannot believe I ever once did like it. I feel like these last few months have been an eternity. But then there are days like yesterday when cutting is all I can think about. Suddenly, these last few months have seemed like a few days that really did not matter.
If it was not for the support I have received from my followers, I never would have made it to this milestone. And unfortunately, the journey is over. The last sixteen weeks have been a roller coaster. I have no idea what the future will hold and whether the desire to cut will ever completely go away. I only hope I continue to have the strength to fight the urge.
I have never wanted to cut more in the last fourteen weeks than I do now. The thought came to me last night and is still with me this morning. My brain is trying to come up with alternatives to actually cutting but they are stupid suggestions because it would still be considered self harm.
My brain is begging me to grab my old letter opener and just make a tiny scratch on my arm. I guess my brain thinks this is acceptable because I actually switched to scissors quite awhile ago and I make way worse than tiny little marks.
The other thing my brain is suggesting is using my fingernails to make tiny scratches. I have used my fingernails in the past when I did not have my cutting instruments. The fingernail idea actually scares me the most because I am afraid I will snap. And it is not like I have to get up and actually get my fingernails.
I did go get the blue highlighter that I normally use when I want to cut but it is not helping me feel better right now. I am so afraid that I am going to break down after 14 weeks. I have made it so far. My record is about four months and I so look forward to breaking it. I am so close. I am just really struggling right now though.
I accidentally stabbed myself with my fingernail today on my wrist. Though the pain is minimal, it reminds me of the pain I used to feel after cutting. I will be eleven weeks clean tomorrow which I am really proud of but the pain also made me realize how much I do miss it. I miss the pain and the feeling of taking my problems into my own hands (literally). I know I would enjoy this pain even more if I had purposely caused it.
I have made it too far for me to just throw it all away though. Cutting is not the appropriate way to deal with my problems. It certainly is the easiest way to deal with life though.
This coming Tuesday, I will have not cut for eight weeks. Or, as I like to think of it, two whole months. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday that I quit. And other ways, it feels like an eternity. There are some days that have been easy and others that have been difficult. Last week, I had a difficult day and cutting was on my mind, but it was really only in the back of my mind. Really, cutting did not seem all that appealing. That is what I hope my life will eventually get to. I do not always want to have this desire. I am proud of how long I have made it and continue to pray that I will resist the temptation. I am done being known as a cutter.
I became a cutter about three years ago. It did not happen overnight. In fact, the idea actually crossed my mind several months before I started but I tried to forget that I had ever had the thought. But after being severely depressed for quite awhile, cutting seemed like a good way to deal with my life. At least it was better than suicide, right?
But once I decided to stop, that was a different story. I had no idea when I started that cutting was an addiction. Currently, I am four and a half weeks clean. It has not been an easy month and I do not expect it to get easy in the immediate future.
Right now, I still have a couple faint marks; remnants from a rough night four and a half weeks ago. They are barely visible, even in the right light and I know that by this summer, they will disappear completely. But for now, the marks stand as a reminder of the past self that I am eager to get away from as well as the future self that will no longer have to deal with life by cutting. My new future self does not have to worry about hiding the cuts!
I am in the process of trying to give up cutting. I say that it is a process because it is definitely not easy. There have been several times that I have been tempted to give in and cut. With a lot of encouragement, I have made it four weeks. It has been a crazy four weeks but I am proud of my accomplishment.
Last night, I was feeling very lonely and knew that I would feel better if I cut. I decided to try something I read about online: Using a marker to draw lines. I got out my blue highlighter and made a couple of marks on my arm. I make them a little higher up because I am always afraid that it won’t wash off and then people will ask a lot of questions.
This morning, I meant to wash the highlighter off but I forgot. Once at school, I realized that I had forgotten to wash. It was too late to do anything about it. Surprisingly, nobody said anything. Of course, it they had, I would feel better lying about highlighter marks rather than cuts.