At church this evening, a woman that is nearly ninety nine years old was talking about her age. She said that people often asked her if she was depressed and she replied that she had nothing to be depressed about because she always has something going on everyday. Then, an older gentleman said he did not think that he had ever been depressed and asked my friend if she had ever been depressed either.
The conversation really bothered me.These people know nothing about depression. I have friends and family and everything I could ever need and I am still depressed! I have tried to ‘just be happy’ but depression does not work that way. My brain is programed differently and depression is nothing that I can control. If I could be happy, I would. Nobody chooses to be sad for their whole life.
All I can think about is cutting. I knew that would happen. After being nearly eleven months clean and giving in, I knew that I would no longer care about remaining strong and not giving into the addiction. And I knew the urge would be even worse because lately, I do not seem to care about anything. I have been pulling out my eyebrows without any regrets. I do not even reach into my pocket to hold my little pompom that I like to hold when I realize that I am pulling.
I lost my hermit crabs the other day in a tragic accident but I don’t think my feelings are entirely related to their deaths. I almost think I am becoming depressed again. I just do not understand why though. My antidepressant was working. Several weeks ago, I was the happiest I had ever been. I felt so normal and I loved it.
Tonight though, I had the thought of suicide. I have not had thoughts like this for awhile. And honestly, I did not miss them.
My friends the other night realized that I was acting weird and asked if I was all right. They told me to contact them if I ever felt like cutting. With it being the weekend though, I really don’t want to bother them. Plus, if they knew I was feeling suicidal, they might freak out (I know I would if someone told me they were suicidal). They have been pretty understanding so far though.
I just don’t know what to do anymore though. I just don’t care.
Last night at choir, one of my friends asked me if I was all right. This is the friend that is a school psychologist, the one that is with my teacher friend. Since I admitted to my teacher friend that I have depression, she asked if she could tell the psychologist. I agreed that she could.
I was shocked by the question last night though. Yeah, I was not all right. My hermit crabs just died because of me and I cut because of the incident. However, I have had a lot of practice hiding my feelings.
I admitted that I was not feeling well and the psychologist asked if I wanted to come over for a little while. The whole way there, I was nervous about what to say. I know that I am overemotional when it comes to my pets. I have a relationship with my pets that some people will never be able to understand. Plus, I was embarrassed that I had cut. Even though I do not yet feel bad about what I did, I was not sure how my friends would react.
I did end up admitting what happened to my hermit crabs as well as the fact that I had cut. As friends, they understood, rather than be critical, they sympathized with me. I actually did feel a little better.
I went back to the doctor yesterday. My medicine was helping my depression but not my anxiety. I constantly felt like I was experiencing a panic attack. Work often makes me feel anxious but I was experiencing anxiety even on the weekends.
When the doctor found out that I was no longer feeling depressed, he decided to keep my antidepressant at the same dosage. However, he did recommend an additional medication that will help with anxiety. However, it is long lasting which means that it will take awhile to start working, just like when I started the antidepressant. I really hope this works. I am tired of the monthly trips to the doctor.
My new antidepressant is starting to work. I have been on it for two weeks and am slowly watching my life get put back together. First, I started doing chores again. No more neglecting the dishes for several days. Then, I started getting out of my chair and actually doing something besides listening to audiobooks or watching TV. Then, I began cooking again. For quite awhile, I did not have the energy to make dinner. I would make something quick in the microwave like chicken nuggets. This was actually worse than cooking because at least if I cook, I have leftovers for several days and that is so simple to heat up and clean up.
Then, I noticed on Sunday that I was not having the usual Sunday night panic attacks that come because I am not ready to handle work the next day. I was shocked but I liked the feeling.
Then, there were a few days where by the end of the school day, I was actually smiling for real and enjoying my job. Unfortunately, I had not been feeling that way during the morning.
Finally, the last thing that has returned is my love of writing. I write fiction everyday but had quit doing that for quite awhile. Feeling better has allowed me to return to the book that I am writing.
I know my life is not completely back to normal but I am feeling so normal right now and that is making me feel so happy. Normal is not something I have ever really experienced in my life.
Several weeks ago, it was apparent that my antidepressant was making me feel extremely worse. I felt more depressed than I had in quite awhile and was extremely anxious. The doctor told me I needed to come off my medicine so that I could take another one. I had read about how it is bad to stop taking an antidepressant and I immediately began to worry about what I was about to experience. I tried doing research online but about the only information I could find was about people that either quit cold turkey or were weaning off their antidepressant over several weeks and would not be taking another one after that. I was about to go off 150 mg of Zoloft in six days by decreasing by 50 mg every two days and for two days, I would be taking nothing at all. I knew that Zoloft had a half life so there would still be some in my system.
The first thing I noticed was that I was sleeping better. I had not slept very good on Zoloft. I was still feeling depressed but I had been feeling that way before I started coming off my medicine. I was also experiencing headaches but I could deal with that. But then on the sixth day, it hit me. I had not taken any medicine the night before and would not take any that night. I was in church and all of a sudden, I wanted to cry very badly. I had to work very hard to control my tears until I got home. I ended up crying several times that day.
Then, that night, I wanted nothing more than to cut. I sometimes get the urges but since I am nine months clean, I have not had urges that intense in such a long time. I ended up contacting the Samaritans because I just could not deal with everything.
The next morning, I began taking my new medicine which instantly ended the withdrawal symptoms but unfortunately took a couple weeks to begin working for real.
Withdrawal is horrible though. And now, there is some information available for people who are coming off their antidepressant quickly like me.
I did not get much sleep.
My landlord said that I could have one of my friend’s kittens! I am so excited to welcome Shannon into my apartment! She could not have come at a better time. Last night, I was feeling the effects from withdrawing from my antidepressant. I will write more about that later but let me just say that it is absolutely horrible. I am lucky that I did not cut. But after the torture of last night and now beginning my new antidepressant, hopefully Shannon will get me through the tough times.
I am actually surprised that I asked my landlord. My friend kept asking me if I had asked but with my anxiety problems, that is something that is not easy for me. I kept putting it off and finally, my friend told me the kittens were going this weekend. I knew that if I was going to get one, I needed to get the courage to ask. My friend suggested that I ask my landlord’s wife and that she would be able to talk him into letting me have a cat.
Last night, I finally worked up the courage to call their home phone and nobody picked up. I tried calling several more times and finally just ended up texting her. She told me she would ask her husband and she got back to me this morning. I am glad that she hurried.
I keep thanking God for bringing a wonderful gift into my life!
With feeling depressed all week, the chores got abandoned. And normally, I have different chores to complete on Saturday. But I knew based on the way I was feeling yesterday that they wouldn’t get done again.
I ended up going to my friend’s house for most of the day yesterday. That was better than sitting in my chair all day watching videos on my computer because I lacked the energy to do anything.
Once I got home, it was getting late. However, I actually had some energy and was able to finish the laundry and clean the sink. I hoped that the energy would continue.
Today I woke up feeling not myself but at least with a little energy to do something. I actually got the vacuuming done. I hoped that after church, I could accomplish even more. But then suddenly during church, the tears came and I knew that my afternoon plans had just been changed.
I am right now coming off my antidepressant. I took nothing yesterday and I will take nothing today. I know that my medicine has a half life and that there is still a little in me but I am still feeling the effects. I want to cut so badly. I also have a headache. I lack the energy to do anything.
The dishes are piling up in the sink. Unfolded laundry is waiting in the dryer. Chores are piling up around me and yet I do not care. I have made nothing but very simple meals all week. I know depression is consuming me.
Going to school is difficult every day. I really do not want to be there. I put on a fake smile and reluctantly help the kids. In the meantime, I make a lot of mistakes because I am unable to focus. It is not their fault by brain does not work right.
I have always enjoyed writing and try to write every evening. I do not remeber the last time I have written.
This is a three day weekend. I am actually not going home though. I used to live for these weekends. Now, I could not care less.
I have not cut in nine months. Yet my fingers inch for something sharp on my wrist.
My doctor has me coming off my antidepressant so that I can start a new one soon. I felt depressed before I started coming off. I am really hoping the new medication will work. But in the meantime, I feel so helpless as I come off my medicine. I feel like I should be doing something instead of nothing.
The other day when I confessed to my friend that I had mental problems, she told me that I needed to tell my parents. If I could not tell my parents, than I needed to tell one of my brothers. I cannot tell any of my family though. They would not understand. I know that I thought the same thing about my friend but my family really would not understand. I can imagine how my mom would react if she knew that I had had thoughts of suicide and that I once was a cutter. And my brothers cannot take anything seriously. They would not know how to respond if I told them I have problems.
I know my friend wants me to tell my parents in case something were to happen. She thinks they would be very confused because they never would have known that I was depressed or had thoughts of suicide.
I feel like I have taken a lot of big steps this week in even admitting that I have problems. However, I am no where near ready to tell anyone else. I think the important thing is that someone does know. Someone does care. And right now, that is enough.