I mentioned the other day that I had been about to give up on my college friends and then out of the blue one of my friends texted me. We exchanged several messages back and forth. I talked about my cat and then how my hermit crabs had died. After I told her about the crabs, the messages stopped. That was ok with me. I was finding it awkward to talk to her after such a long time. Plus, I am not into having conversations through text messages. Last night, after I had gone to bed, my phone buzzes. It is my friend, asking about how my crabs had died. The text came late at night and I was rather bothered by that. Also, it bothered me that she had waited such a long time to reply. I understand that she might have been at work the first time she texted me but that does not explain the several days in between the last message. I am not sure whether I should be grateful that we are talking or annoyed. I mean, I had been ready to give up on our friendship. Plus, she did not respond in a timely matter.
Several months ago, I was invited to a college friend’s wedding and asked to be a guest book attendant. I agreed and invited a friend to go with me. However, as the wedding approached, I wanted to go less and less.
I had been feeling depressed at the beginning of the week. Plus, I was dreading a four and a half hour drive to get to the wedding. I also did not want to drive in a large, unfamiliar city. Then, there was the issue that of not knowing anything about being a guest book attendant. Finally, I was going to be hanging out with girls that I knew in college but we were not extremely close.
I arrived at the hotel on Thursday where I would be staying with the bride and some bridesmaids. At first, all they could talk about was drinking and I was worried that I had made a mistake in coming. But then we ended up going to rehearsal and the dinner and things changed. I started having fun.
On Friday, we got our hair done and that was just as fun. Afterwards, when all the bridesmaids left to go to the church, I went to a different hotel to meet one of my friends that was coming with me. Before we could even catch up though, she locked her keys in her car and we had to wait for someone to come help her.
Once we finally could get in her car, we checked in at the hotel, got ready, and went to the church.
Being a guest book attendant really was not that bad. Plus, the wedding was really nice.
After the wedding, we went to the reception. Again, I had to work the guest book. And again, it really was not that bad.
I had another problem though. I take my Zoloft around 5:30. I could not take it in the car though right after we arrived because I did not want my friend to ask any questions. And I could not take it at the reception because I had no water. Finally, I got the brilliant idea of asking my friend to bring me water to the guest book table and I was able to take my medicine without any questions.
People have told me that I should be honest with my friend and tell her that I have mental problems. But she is one that would not understand. She judged another friend in college that was a former cutter. I am a former cutter that is depressed and anxious. I have OCD and tear out my eyebrows. She would abandon me if she knew my problems. She would be too afraid of my mind.
Anyway, I was able to take my medicine peacefully and enjoy the reception. We left at about 9:30 though because neither of us are really into partying. We went back to the hotel and went to bed.
This morning, we planned on going swimming but we could not get our key to open the door. It turned out the pool was down for maintenance. The funny thing is, the woman who checked us in told us the pool hours yesterday. We had tried to look at the pool yesterday but also could not get the card to work. I do not get why she told us the hours instead of that the pool was down.
So because we could not go swimming, we left early and I made the four and a half hour trip home. I am so glad I went though. It was great seeing my college friends. I am glad depression and anxiety did not interfere with this event.
When I left college, my best friend was worried about what would happen to our friendship. I was not too worried though. We did not live too far away and with Facebook and cell phones, we would be able to talk often. I knew that as long as we worked together, our friendship would survive.
At first, I tried to make sure that we talked about every two weeks. Most of the time, I would wait for her to talk but I would initiate the conversation if it had been more than two weeks. But then there were weeks where I was feeling depressed and felt like such a loser. I did not call during those weeks because I did not want her to know about my problems. I would just call when I was feeling better.
But as time went on, so did my problems. We talked even less as I was dealing with depression and she was busy working. We attempted to get together a couple times but it would rarely work out. Sometimes, it would be because she would cancel. Other times it was because of my mental state.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, we were supposed to hang out over Christmas break and I was not looking forward to it. But then she cancelled because of the weather. I cannot say that I was disappointed. And we have not talked since then.
Today, I was thinking about our friendship and wondering if the relationship really means anything to me. The last time we talked, my friend mentioned possibly getting together to hang out at the amusement park like we have for the last two summers. I realized at that point that I really did not want to do that.
Maybe it is time to say goodbye. We live over five hours apart. We are living two separate lives and really do not have a lot in common. And with my mental illness problems, it is difficult to maintain relationships. I mean, our relationship is not really anything right now. Should I really bother to attempt to save it?
I woke up in the middle of the night and looked out the window. I was hoping that there was a lot of snow on the ground so that I would not have to hang out with my friend. I was very disappointed though because it was not even snowing.
This morning, I woke up and looked out the window. I was disappointed again. It had barely snowed. I knew I was going to have to hang out.
But then, she called. She was worried about the weather turning bad later in the day. It sounded like she wanted to cancel but she wanted me to make the decision. So we are not hanging out.
She still really wants to hang out before I head back home. She gave me two different options: New Year’s Eve or this Saturday. I could not give her a definite answer. I did not want to either. I told her I might have plans New Year’s Eve. Actually, I could have plans for New Year’s Eve if I really wanted to. I just am not sure I really want to have plans. And as for Saturday, I am actually thinking about going back on Friday. I was thinking about that before I heard from her.
I am relieved that we do not have to hang out but at the same time, I feel terrible. What kind of friend am I? A messed up depressed friend, that is it.
I am to hang out with my friend tomorrow. We were best friends in college but we have seen very little of each other since I finished school. This last year has been pretty bad. We hung out once during the summer and had breakfast together a few months ago. We rarely talk on the phone any more. She will text me occasionally but they are short messages. I used to enjoy our days when we would get together and go to the mall. But for some reason, I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am slowly watching our friendship dissolve. I know we said we would be friends forever and I guess I am not ready to watch our friendship fade away, but I know it is happening. I really do not have much to tell her anymore. We are living two different lives right now and she just doesn’t understand my life. I don’t understand hers as well.
I find myself dreading tomorrow. I am not looking forward to lunch in the food court followed by a movie I have already seen. Will it be a bunch of awkward conversations of topics that neither of us care about?
I have yet to buy her a Christmas present. I shall have to do that tomorrow. I will also have to pay for gas and lunch and a movie ticket. I know I should not put a price on maintaining a friendship (and it is not like I have very many to begin with) but it will not be a cheap day.
There is snow in the forecast. Last year, it snowed a little bit and she cancelled. I am kind of hoping the same will happen this year as well. That makes me sound like a horrible friend, but it is what I am feeling. That is really sad that of my two friendships I have right now, I am trying to avoid the one.
I have always been a very independent person and thought that I would be all right if I did not have any friends. I was proved wrong in college and again recently. Lately, I feel like my life is like the song sung in the ending credits of Phantom of the Opera. “Learn to Be Lonely,” seems to reflect my life.
I have never been the most social person. In high school, I had a few close friends that drifted away when I went to college. It took me several months in college to find some new friends but eventually I drew close to some people that were my friends until I graduated. After I graduated, I only stayed close with one person but still, we only talk on the phone every few weeks. The others I only talk to occasionally on Facebook.
Over the last year, I have realized how lonely I am. When I was living with my parents last year, I felt like my only companions were my family. It is even worse now that I am on my own and live over four hours away from my family and my remaining friend from college. I have made one friend at school but she has a life of her own so we do not hang out all the time.
My loneliness causes me to spend a lot of time eating, watching movies and shows, and time on the internet. I long for people to interact with me on Facebook or call me or send me mail. Instead, about the only companionship I get are from people that like my writing or blogs online.
There are days, especially on weekends when I long for someone to have a serious conversation with. I long for someone’s touch and care. I just want people to acknowledge that they know I am there and that they care about what is going on with me.
I also have been longing for a pet. I have fish and hermit crabs but I long for something fluffy that will show its love for me in ways that my fish and crabs cannot. I long for a cat that will sit with me and purr or something that will rub my face.
In this small town where there are very few people my age and I am far from my family, I guess I had better learn to be lonely, because there is no one out there for me.