This is at least the third weekend I have spent by myself. Despite being an introvert, I still need human time. The loneliness just gets to be so consuming and becomes more and more difficult the longer I have to endure it. The weekends should be something of a happy time. I always look forward to the weekends but my feelings from the week never change because I get to be all alone.
All through the week, I have to endure going to school every day. And lately, it is a challenge getting up after a night of restless sleep knowing that I am going to have to endure with misbehaving kids and lack of support from some of the staff. Then, to make my life even better, I am constantly given more and more requirements and lately, I feel like I just get one task done and get handed two more. I am unable to ever get caught up. After five days of that, I am ready for the weekend. But instead of having the opportunity to be happy and celebrate, I get to spend the whole time alone doing chores.
My counselor has been telling me that I need to think about myself rather than what others want from me. So today, I drove to a town thirty minutes away because there was a sale and you get get tons of books. I love reading so I decided that that would make me feel better. But now I have all afternoon to remember that I am alone.
The tears have been threatening for awhile but have yet to fall. My fingers are itching with the scissors even though I have been three weeks clean from hurting myself. It is just me though. Why should I care? And, the pain is a lot easier to deal with when compared to the mental anguish of loneliness. And just because I have chores to do this weekend, it is not like that is all I want to do. I want to have some fun. But instead, I will neglect the chores, become overwhelmed and depressed and thus unable to exert the energy for the next several days to accomplish anything.
As I began thinking about writing this blog, it occurred to me that I have certainly been having a lot of lonely weekends lately. It is starting to become a horrible rerun and I am ready to change the channel.
My friend left last Saturday and got home sometime on Wednesday so that she could get to her practice. I knew I was not going to see her that day because of it but I still was excited that I would get to see her soon. And then Wednesday night, I got sick and missed school yesterday. I saw her for a brief second yesterday because I asked if she could possibly go to the store and bring me something. I also saw her for a brief second today because I managed to make it about three hours before I was ready to go back home. And I just have a feeling that this will scare away my friends for the weekend even though I am feeling a lot better and will hopefully feel nearly one hundred percent tomorrow (physically, not necessarily mentally).
Anyway, I have become aware that loneliness is a constant complaint of mine and wondered if maybe God was asking me to do my part in this situation. If it were not for my friends, I really would have nobody. They invite me on all sorts of events like going to the nursing home to visit their family or to go get their new car. I have always said yes to these trips because it means that I can get away from my loneliness for awhile. I have really come to enjoy these odd moments and always look forward to the next one.
I know that my friends are not expected to invite me on such outings. And they also have lives of their own that do not revolve around me. There are times when they need to attend to other matters and cannot always include me. I get that. But it also means that unless I want to continue all these lonely days, I need to do something about it. I am just not sure what. There are no groups around here for me to join. This community is filled with old people and the people that are my age only have interest in the rural lifestyle that keeps them here.
It makes me wonder why God would bring such a lonely, introverted person out here anyway. I have always had a hard time making friends. And now God is calling me to possibly make a few additional friends in addition to my two friends I have right now?
After being sick and spending all my time with online shows, I really do not need another two days of me, myself, and I. But I get it. I would not want to hang around with someone that has been sick.
It is another lonely weekend. A break from my horrible life where everything is thrown at me and it is all my fault. It is the start of two days of being invisible, even though I was not noticed during the week either. It will be another weekend of being alone while constantly looking at my phone to see if someone does indeed care. I will make attempts at living life. I might be successful at moments. But then everything will become so overwhelming that I will shut down again. Tomorrow will be another day when I will wonder life really has meaning. It will be another day where I will want to express my emotions through physical pain.
Loneliness is checking your phone frequently, just to make sure you have not missed any calls or texts. Loneliness is spending lots of time checking email and Facebook with the hope that someone will remember you. Loneliness is talking to yourself, just so you can hear a voice. Loneliness is happiness when there is junk mail in the mailbox because someone is reaching out to you. Loneliness is hugging a stuffed animal tightly, just so can feel some love. Loneliness is harming yourself with a sharp object, just so you can deal with the pain. Loneliness is going to bed early so that you can forget that you are alone.
Everyone seems to be glad that I have moved to this community. I am having trouble understanding why though. It is not like I am really giving back to this community. I go to church and occasionally help out with their events but other than that, I attend church and go to school.
People seem worried that I will not stay though. The other day at conferences, many parents wondered whether I would be back next year. And today at the post office, someone I know from the community asked if I would be staying.
If I had the chance, I would pack up my bags and move tonight. I am still looking for a new job for next school year but am having trouble finding something closer to home. For some reason, there does not seem to be very many open jobs this year.
The thing that bothers me is that many people know that I am lonely. That is why I do not get why people want me to stay here. I get asked about being lonely a lot. But nobody feels the need to invite meto hang out with them. It seems like everyone expects it to be some other person’s responsibility. I know it is partly my responsibility too and that is why I got involved in church and choir. But at the same time, there are very few opportunities for me to get out of my apartment and actually be with people.
I hate this town.
This morning, I went to get rid of my weekly recycling and found that I could not get the new compartments on the recycling bin open. It was embarrassing and I eventually had to give up and walk home. Normally, I go right to the grocery store from there but there was no way I was going to take my recycling into the store. It is no wonder why people do not want to recycle.
The incident at the recycling bin just made me feel down though. I mean, I always feel down on weekends but this just added to my day. Despite my dislike for my job, at least I am around people. On weekends, it is just me and the fish. I often talk to myself or listen to music or audiobooks just so I can hear something.
I would feel even worse since today is Valentine’s Day and I have nobody, not even family, but one of my friends invited me to her house tonight, saving me from a pointless holiday alone to one where I will have companionship.
When I first came to this tiny town, I was excited to be moving out on my own and happy that I had a real job. At the same time, I was not very happy about moving to such a small town. I came with a positive attitude though. I was determined to like this town.
Right after I came, I met a lot of people that were excited that I was here. Through all the introductions, I learned several peoples’ ages. I was constantly being told about the 90+ older people in the community. I could not help but think that those people had life figured out. Maybe this community was all right after all.
I did come with a positive attitude, but I know now that this place is not for me. These people maybe have life figured out, but maybe that is because they have not experienced what I have. I know that there is more that the world has to offer and it is definitely not coming from here. I mean, the bank is only open on weekdays until four for goodness sakes! And there is definitely more to life than cows.
I am searching for teaching jobs everyday. I want to move to a larger town closer to my family. This town is definitely not for me. I feel like the theme song to my life is Carrie Underwood’s song, Get Out of This Town.
I am just so lonely tonight. That is actually nothing new. I am lonely most weekends because I have few friends and am forced to spend the days by myself. I am usually lonely most nights when I get home from school. I am happy to be home from school because I do not have an easy job but the nights just drag on. I eat early, usually with the sounds of an audiobook or Youtube video for company. I usually go to bed early because it is better than spending one more minute alone.
I just want out of this town so badly. I have so few friends and my family is so far away. I find myself searching online for jobs daily, hoping for the opportunity to leave.
I just want to go home. Next weekend won’t work; my parents are away. The weekend after is a possibility, but I could not take off for an early weekend because there is a school even that Friday. I could go home the weekend after, but the weekend after that is a three day weekend.
At the beginning of the school year, I used to be able to go several weeks without going home. I went two weeks after Christmas break before taking a personal day and going home for the weekend. And that was two weeks ago.
I just want to go home. I am so unhappy here.
It is easy to make a resolution to stop cutting when you are wondering what you should wear to work that day that covers the marks on your arms. You feel a lot differently when you are spending the weekend alone with nothing to do.
I am just so lonely today that I want nothing more than to cut. I know cutting would make me feel better. And since it has only been five days since I have last cut, it is not like I will feel guilty. I would feel guilty if I had been breaking a longer record. I have gone several months without cutting once and I have always felt guilty that I broke down.
Right now, I just feel like I am invisible. Nobody misses me. Nobody really cares. I am all alone in my apartment using food and stuffed animals as company. The TV is the only interaction I really get though.
I pray that I will not give in to the desire. The cuts are still healing from five days ago.
I may be a cutter but I never cut deep enough to make the cuts bleed. I leave large red marks that will usually turn into red scratches over night. I can usually pass off them as cat scratches.
I cut the other day, worse than usual. Since it has been cold, I worse sweaters for the last two days. I figured I would be ok tomorrow. I figured I had better be because I only have two sweaters that I usually wear. I have more but I do not really like to wear them.
But then I got home from school today to discover my fish missing an eye and slowly dying. It sure did not take long. What upsets me most is that he was just a baby.
I just hate my life so much that I took out my problems on my wrist. For the first time, I have bled. There is no way I will be able to wear short sleeves tomorrow.
No, I did not just cut because of my fish. I just am going through a rough time right now. And it is not like my students are helping much. Their behavior has been horrible lately.
I just want to go home. I am tired of living in the middle of no where with no family and few friends. I just want someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be all right and then make it all right. I want to be surrounded by people who actually care about me.
There has always been a saying that I use when I am feeling particularly depressed: Everything is going to be alright; maybe not today, but someday. I just want to know when that is going to happen.