I was not sure I wanted to go back to counseling so when I received a call from the counseling office about a later appointment, I turned it down saying that I had something going on later that evening. I decided that I should probably continue though because for me, it is a choice of life or death. And with my uncertainty of careers, it is most likely going to be death. I called to make another appointment and learned that my counselor is in the hospital. I was given an appointment for next week though with the hope that she would be better soon.
I received a call from the counseling office today though. I was actually surprised when my phone was ringing. I was actually hoping that it was my friend calling because she left last Saturday to see her family and has been gone for the last several days. I have been rather lonely too. But I knew that I needed to answer the call even though it was not from my friend. That is when I was told that though my counselor was out of the hospital, she was not going to be able to return to work for several weeks.
I was told that I could see another counselor that apparently owns the office otherwise I could drive quite a ways to see someone else. I was hesitant at first. The secretary was not pushing me at all and said that I could have time to think about it. On one hand, this would be my ticket out of counseling. On the other hand, I knew that it was again a matter of life or death. Even though I have had a few good days, I know that I have no coping skills and will easily return to cutting and wishing that I was dead. I was not sure I really wanted to see another counselor but this will be my chance to compare and see if maybe there is hope for me in the middle of no where.
I am extremely nervous for this appointment. It is not for another week though.
I haven’t been doing very well lately. I have mentioned this several times in my recent blogs. Today though, I guess it all just became too much. It was the first day of school and it did not go well. I have a challenging student and I am already at a loss about what to do. Anyway, my brain had had enough. After school, I seriously thought about maybe looking into counseling again even though I did not have a positive experience last spring. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed help. I cut the other day and I have had thoughts of suicide often even though I was too scared to act on them.
I got home and told myself that I would make an appointment at 4:30. It was actually a little after when I finally got the courage. I made some notes out and hesitantly dialed the number that I had some reason saved on my phone. I thought about hanging up but I didn’t. First, the secretary asked why I wanted an appointment. I told her life was too hard. That was probably the wrong thing to say but it was true. The secretary asked if I was having thoughts of suicide and I reluctantly admitted that I was but I didn’t plan on acting on them. The secretary promised to get back to me in an hour to make an appointment. I honestly considered not answering the phone but I did.
The secretary asked if I could come in about forty five minutes. The idea shocked me because I was not even sure if I wanted to go through with this again. Plus, it is a thirty minute drive there. I guess God has been with me all day though and all week and knew what I needed.
I do feel better and have not cut today even though I so badly wanted to after school. Looks like I am back in counseling again (that sentence is neither sarcastic or joyful).
Sometimes, there is a part of me that thinks I should give counseling another try. The only reason I am able to sleep is with sleeping medication, there are days when I feel like life is not worth living, I think about cutting often (I haven’t cut since May though), I hate my medication and sometimes don’t even take it due to the side effects, and I have very little of my eyebrows left after pulling a lot of the hair in the last week or so.
The last time I was in counseling (last April) I quit after a month because I felt it was not helping me. I was quick to blame the counselor but I have since learned that I was partly at fault. There are times when I am thinking that I will probably start again but then I am reminded of other factors that made counseling difficult last time and I wonder if I really want to deal with those things.
My counselor is the only one in this area so I don’t have a choice about who I see. And I am not sure if I should try her again after the way I abruptly ended our sessions last time. I have no problem explaining why I left. I am sure she would understand if I say that I was not sure how counseling worked and what to expect but since then I have learned. However, I am not sure if she or I were the problem. What if it is her? Then I would just be wasting my time.
The other reason counseling was a problem was because my counselor does not even work in my town. I have to drive thirty minutes away which is kind of a pain when you have spent all day at work. Then, for a couple of weeks, I had to go to her other office which is over an hour away because I was not yet a regular at the closer office. They were going to make me go even farther away because she was moving offices but I refused so I missed a couple of weeks until they could get me in the closest town. But then I ended up quitting so it didn’t even really matter.
If I were to go again, I would not be willing to drive other than the closest town. I would just have to refuse some appointments until the time finally worked for me. This time, I also know what to do to make sure my issues are addressed.
I have been praying about counseling and hopefully I get an answer soon.
When I was student teaching, the teacher I was working with used to get really mad when another teacher would complain about how inservices were a waste of time. I tried to see the benefit in all the inservices that we attended but I often found it difficult. It is even more true at the school I am at now.
Today, we had to do this suicide awareness online program. As a person that suffers from mental illness and have had thoughts of suicide in the past, I thought it was a great idea. I really did not think it was necessary for elementary teachers but at the same time, there was a sixth grade student that committed suicide when I was in high school. I did think it was a great idea for high school teachers since I was depressed in college but know one noticed. But then when I get working on the program, I realize how horrible it really was. It was two hours long and basically repeated the same information over and over. There were several videos but you had to sit in front of the screen so that you could keep hitting ‘next’. The same information was mentioned several different times.
All the other teachers complained about how long the program was too. After awhile, I realized that I could turn the volume off and just keep pushing next whenever the box appeared and it did not matter. I would feel bad but I already knew most of the information from being depressed and having thoughts of suicide and because the information kept repeating.
Mental illness awareness with a Christian emphasis is literally my life’s goal. However, I have my doubts that this program did much to educate.
I don’t seem to be doing very well at life any more. I got a total of three hours of sleep last night and that is with trying Melatonin like the doctor said. I even took another pill after I slept for two hours and could feel myself wide awake. This sleeping problem has got to stop otherwise I might accidentally take too much out of frustration. I called the doctor today so that I could let her know that I still was not sleeping but I never got a reply.
So obviously today I have had to take a lot of naps. Besides naps, I haven’t been mentally capable of doing much of anything. I got started folding the laundry but then it got overwhelming so I stopped. The dishes had not even been washed from yesterday. I started to vacuum but it got to be overwhelming. I always have a large list of things I want to accomplish on Saturdays. I don’t think there is one thing I can cross off my list.
At least there are still a few days left until school starts. That means I have a few days to feel better and also to get things accomplished.
I have also been extremely lonely again today. I talked to my friend a little bit last night on the phone and for a few minutes this afternoon but I cannot open up about how I am feeling. She has company and I don’t want to be a bother. Besides, she is probably getting tired of hearing about my problems. After all, my medication is working. I stay close by my phone though just in case someone cares enough to talk to me.
The only way I feel like dealing with life right now is by cutting. I know it is wrong. I haven’t cut since May but that is only because I managed to talk myself out of packing the scissors when I left to go work at the amusement park. Now that I am back, my scissors are calling my name.
I am just failing at life. I cannot even do the simple things like sleep. And I get overwhelmed by stupid things. Even though I hate to be touched, I think a hug would be nice.
I just did something really horrible. I belong to an OCD and anxiety group on Facebook. I got on the page and wrote about how much I love my amusement park job but how it causes me great anxiety. I wrote how I have requested mostly 9-5 shifts instead of 12-close shifts because of my anxiety. I also mentioned that this job has kept me going. Really, I was referring to not committing suicide. And it is a good thing that I did not mention suicide specifically because I accidentally posted this on my own personal Facebook page. I did not realize what I had done until somebody messaged me and said that they would be praying for me. I guess I appreciate the prayers but I am so embarrassed. The person that saw it is a teacher and I won’t have to see her until August. She is very nosy and will tell everybody. But at least I did not mention my OCD, depression, or trichotillomania. If she asks questions, I can just say that there were times when work at the amusement park was stressful. There are days when all the employees are very stressed because of something going on at the park. I just cannot believe I did it though.
I have been going through a rough time lately. Every day, I find something more that I hate about the town or school and it makes me desperate to leave. The job search is not meeting my satisfaction though and I am very afraid that I will be forced to spend another year in this town.
This weekend, I was so lonely and so frustrated about the job search that I ended up cutting. I have been clean for about two months but the very idea was very appealing to me and I just knew that I would feel better once I did it. And unfortunately, I did.
My OCD medication has been making it very difficult to sleep that I decided that maybe I should just go back to my original dose. For two days, I cut the pill in half. I noticed no change in my sleep. And on the second day, I realized that I was slipping into my compulsory routine and I realized that I should go back to the higher dose.
Yesterday, I became very frustrated when the school decided to cancel my only break because if they hired a sub for music, it would only be for my class. I was extremely angry. I need a break from my students. But because I had noon duty, I spent all day with my students. When I first learned that morning that I would not get a break, I was so upset that I was just itching for something sharp. I knew that I could not cut at school even though I was wearing my jacket so that no one would know. Since I did not feel right about cutting, I thought about using a highlighter to make marks on my wrist but because I was surrounded by students all day, I never had the opportunity. I ended up cutting several times last night.
I had counseling last night. This was my fourth session and I must say that I do not think that it is helping. For the first two sessions, I had to drive to the next town which is about thirty minutes away (in the middle of nowhere though that is very close). But then I got moved to another town for the last two sessions. That town is an hour away. I absolutely hate driving. Then, the counselor said that she was leaving that office so she was going to try to get me back to the first town but she might have to get me in at a town that is even farther away. I told her I cannot drive that far away on a school day because I cannot leave school until three thirty and then I still have to drive back. She understood so I will not have an appointment next week. Since I do not think that it is helping, I am actually glad. I feel like I should quit but I will be going to work at the amusement park the middle of May.
I feel like I should have a better control of my problems and emotions. I especially feel that should be true since I am on medication. After all, I have managed to grow my eyebrows back after pulling them out constantly since Christmas. Before that, I only had bald patches. Now, I hardly attempt to pull at all. My medication has helped my trichotillomania. It has helped the other problems but I still have the bad days. The bad days feel really bad lately. It is extremely frustrating.
I prayed to God, asking for the opportunity to reveal to my friend that I was going to counseling. The chance came early this morning. Surprisingly, she seemed accepting of the idea. However, I know that it is not her choice to make. It is my brain and my thoughts and I am the one that has to deal with them. I did tell her that despite being on medication, I still have bad days. She then replied that we all have bad days. I then explained that I do not know how to deal with my bad days appropriately. After all, I am a cutter. In the end, I think she understood why I was doing it.
I think it is difficult for people who do not have mental problems to understand what people that have issues are really going through. My friend doesn’t understand what led me to become a cutter. I remember the first time I cut. Before that, I thought the very idea was appalling. But once the blade touched my wrist, it gave me a way to deal with the world and my emotional pain.
It is also difficult to understand suicide if you have never been in that position before. The first time I wished to die, it scared me. Then when I came up with a plan to die, it became very real to me what I am capable of doing to myself. It is a kind of ‘power’. It is a very scary power.
I have problems. I have OCD, depression, anxiety, and trichotillomania. I am a cutter and unfortunately capable of more than I would love ke to believe. But I am dealing with my problems slowly. First by getting on medication and then going to counseling.
The worst thing about it all is that one of my student’s parents was at the clinic today. The clinic offers many services so hopefully they don’t figure out why I was there. But if they do, so what? I have problems, just like the rest of the world.
Lately, I have been pulling my eyebrows all the time. I keep a little pompom ball in my pocket so that I can hold on to it whenever I feel like pulling. But I just keep it in my pocket. I just don’t care anymore. So what if I have bald spots in my eyebrows? So what if people notice? I just don’t care.
Yesterday, after being clean for nearly eleven months, I cut. I still feel no regret. I actually have been admiring the red lines on my arm. I don’t care about what I did. And if people notice, who cares? I have a cat now. They will understand.
A part of me is afraid though of what my attitude will bring. What if I become addicted to cutting again? Because someday, I might care. I do know how hard it was to nearly go eleven months. In the past, I frequently made it to four months before breaking down and cutting. Going four months was difficult. Shattering my record and going nearly eleven months was nearly impossible.
I have no idea what is going on but I do not like it. It is really scaring me.
Today, I was asked if I would go on to get my masters. This semester, I took a self paced class in order to renew my teaching certificate. I guess the person that asked me figured that I might as well get my masters because it would mean a pay increase.
However, I will not be able to get my masters. I nearly killed myself in college because I could not handle the stress. I would not be able to handle the stress of a masters class on top of work. I could handle the self paced class because I could work when I wanted and if I was too depressed, I could take a break and not get penalized. Plus, this class was based on completion. For me, good grades are a big deal (I was valedictorian in high school and graduated Summa cum Laude in college).
I know this person was disappointed when I told her that I could not get my masters because I could not handle the stress but I do not expect her to understand. I am disappointed in myself that I will never pursue a higher degree because graduating with such honors means that I should be able to do great things with my life academically.
I know that I am more useful alive with just a bachelor degree though than dead with a masters degree. I can still do great things without the extra education.