My Cutting Resolution

It is easy to make a resolution to stop cutting when you are wondering what you should wear to work that day that covers the marks on your arms. You feel a lot differently when you are spending the weekend alone with nothing to do.

I am just so lonely today that I want nothing more than to cut. I know cutting would make me feel better. And since it has only been five days since I have last cut, it is not like I will feel guilty. I would feel guilty if I had been breaking a longer record. I have gone several months without cutting once and I have always felt guilty that I broke down.

Right now, I just feel like I am invisible. Nobody misses me. Nobody really cares. I am all alone in my apartment using food and stuffed animals as company. The TV is the only interaction I really get though.

I pray that I will not give in to the desire. The cuts are still healing from five days ago.

Maybe it is Time to Stop

I have been a cutter for about two and a half years. After about eight months of cutting, I started to think about my actions. I hated how every time I had a problem I would turn to my wrists. I disliked how I was literally letting people hurt me. I also realized that I was becoming addicted. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I decided to stop. That is easier said than done though. It took quite awhile for me not to give in every time the desire struck. But eventually, I could go a couple of months without cutting. Then, I would break down and cut once, regret it, and then go several more months.

I picked up the habit again last August. This time though, I did not regret it when I cut. In fact, I took my cutting to a new level.

Today has been another wake up call that I should probably stop cutting. I had no sweaters to wear today and I ended up having to wear a short sleeve shirt. I just hoped that no adults would get too close. And if my students asked, I would tell them I had been scratched by a cat.

I know it is time to stop. I know it is not going to be easy. I know I am going to be tempted to move to other areas of my body. But it is the right thing to do.

2015 Resolutions

I have never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. I do not understand why people insist on trying to change something about themselves and then giving up after a few weeks. I also do not understand why people make resolutions only at the beginning of the year. If a person really wants to lose weight, they should start right away. Resolutions should be a year long thing.

The one resolution I would like to make but unfortunately is not possible, is to not let mental illness control my life. I wish it were possible to say goodbye to OCD, self injury, depression, anxiety, and trichotillomania and start over with a new perspective on life for 2015. Since that is unrealistic, I will stick with just trying my best to live my life for God through my mental problems and to raise awareness for mental disorders.

Holiday Depression

I thought I would be happy today. I wrote yesterday how awful this week was but since it is now Christmas vacation, I thought my anxiety and depression would take a break too. But when I woke up last night and could not fall back asleep, I knew my problems were continuing.

I have been looking forward to Christmas break for several weeks. It is no secret that I have a very difficult group of students and that this has not been a great year. So that is what I was thinking about in the middle of the night last night. I do not know how I am going to make it through the next half year. And I am also debating about whether I want to come back next year.

And I guess it has been on my mind a lot today as well. That and the fact that I was so lonely today. The only person I talked to today was the person at the gas station. It was such a long and lonely day. But the thing is, I am supposed to go home tomorrow and I am not even looking forward to it.

I wanted to cut tonight but I managed to talk myself out of it and just used a marker to draw lines on my wrist. I was unable to participate in the Lines Project because as a teacher of third and fourth grade, I cannot be promoting self injury. So I guess I killed two birds with one stone.

I just do not understand why I feel so depressed when I should be happy. I have every right to be.

Begging for Help

I know you can help me. My cuts may have mostly faded but I wanted you to see them because I know that you can help. I have problems here. What I am doing is not normal. But unfortunately, you did not notice. And I mean, why would you? The faded marks look like the remains of cat scratches.

I am depressed. I know you can help me. I lack to courage and words to say anything. But I need help. Silently inside, I am crying out. I am lying every time that I tell you I am fine.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword (but Sometimes They are Equal)

People that say the pen is mightier than the sword are clearly not cutters. To cutters, words and swords are equal. To a cutter, they will take those hurtful words out on their wrists.

I do not know what I was feeling the first day I cut. It was not the first time the thought had crossed my mind but after several reoccurrences and feeling severely depressed, I eventually gave in.

I was managing the swimming pool that summer and having a horrible experience. I was not getting along with my boss or the lifeguards. They had a lot of bad things to say about me. I found myself cutting a lot. I hated how I was letting people get to my wrist (literally) but I found that it was the only thing that helped me deal with the events of the summer.

And unfortunately, almost three years later, I am still a cutter, letting people get to my wrists. I tried to stop. I have managed to go several months without cutting, only to break down and cut. I always hate when I do it because it means that I have to start all over. I had been doing so well. Recently though, I no longer care. I have lost count how many times I have cut over the last few months with no regrets.

Many people do not understand why I do it or what I am feeling when I take the blade to my wrist. But I can tell you this: Words hurt. Words are just as sharp as a sword. They may say the pen is mightier than the sword, but to a cutter, the words will still cut.

My Prayer

Lord,

I do not understand why You brought me to this small town. What in the world could You have planned for me here?

Why would You give me a difficult class that has so many boys, behavior problems, and learning difficulties? Why would You bring me to a school that has combined classrooms and very little prep time?

Why would You bring me to a community that has very few people my age? Why would there only be one person in the entire community willing to be my friend?

Lord, I know You do not give a person more than they can handle but surely You know that I am cutting again. And don’t You know that I have days where I am feeling depressed?

Why would You bring me to this place? What are Your plans for me? Reveal them to me so that I can live my life for You.

Amen.