It is easy to make a resolution to stop cutting when you are wondering what you should wear to work that day that covers the marks on your arms. You feel a lot differently when you are spending the weekend alone with nothing to do.
I am just so lonely today that I want nothing more than to cut. I know cutting would make me feel better. And since it has only been five days since I have last cut, it is not like I will feel guilty. I would feel guilty if I had been breaking a longer record. I have gone several months without cutting once and I have always felt guilty that I broke down.
Right now, I just feel like I am invisible. Nobody misses me. Nobody really cares. I am all alone in my apartment using food and stuffed animals as company. The TV is the only interaction I really get though.
I pray that I will not give in to the desire. The cuts are still healing from five days ago.
I have been a cutter for about two and a half years. After about eight months of cutting, I started to think about my actions. I hated how every time I had a problem I would turn to my wrists. I disliked how I was literally letting people hurt me. I also realized that I was becoming addicted. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I decided to stop. That is easier said than done though. It took quite awhile for me not to give in every time the desire struck. But eventually, I could go a couple of months without cutting. Then, I would break down and cut once, regret it, and then go several more months.
I picked up the habit again last August. This time though, I did not regret it when I cut. In fact, I took my cutting to a new level.
Today has been another wake up call that I should probably stop cutting. I had no sweaters to wear today and I ended up having to wear a short sleeve shirt. I just hoped that no adults would get too close. And if my students asked, I would tell them I had been scratched by a cat.
I know it is time to stop. I know it is not going to be easy. I know I am going to be tempted to move to other areas of my body. But it is the right thing to do.
I have never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. I do not understand why people insist on trying to change something about themselves and then giving up after a few weeks. I also do not understand why people make resolutions only at the beginning of the year. If a person really wants to lose weight, they should start right away. Resolutions should be a year long thing.
The one resolution I would like to make but unfortunately is not possible, is to not let mental illness control my life. I wish it were possible to say goodbye to OCD, self injury, depression, anxiety, and trichotillomania and start over with a new perspective on life for 2015. Since that is unrealistic, I will stick with just trying my best to live my life for God through my mental problems and to raise awareness for mental disorders.
I thought I would be happy today. I wrote yesterday how awful this week was but since it is now Christmas vacation, I thought my anxiety and depression would take a break too. But when I woke up last night and could not fall back asleep, I knew my problems were continuing.
I have been looking forward to Christmas break for several weeks. It is no secret that I have a very difficult group of students and that this has not been a great year. So that is what I was thinking about in the middle of the night last night. I do not know how I am going to make it through the next half year. And I am also debating about whether I want to come back next year.
And I guess it has been on my mind a lot today as well. That and the fact that I was so lonely today. The only person I talked to today was the person at the gas station. It was such a long and lonely day. But the thing is, I am supposed to go home tomorrow and I am not even looking forward to it.
I wanted to cut tonight but I managed to talk myself out of it and just used a marker to draw lines on my wrist. I was unable to participate in the Lines Project because as a teacher of third and fourth grade, I cannot be promoting self injury. So I guess I killed two birds with one stone.
I just do not understand why I feel so depressed when I should be happy. I have every right to be.
I know you can help me. My cuts may have mostly faded but I wanted you to see them because I know that you can help. I have problems here. What I am doing is not normal. But unfortunately, you did not notice. And I mean, why would you? The faded marks look like the remains of cat scratches.
I am depressed. I know you can help me. I lack to courage and words to say anything. But I need help. Silently inside, I am crying out. I am lying every time that I tell you I am fine.
People that say the pen is mightier than the sword are clearly not cutters. To cutters, words and swords are equal. To a cutter, they will take those hurtful words out on their wrists.
I do not know what I was feeling the first day I cut. It was not the first time the thought had crossed my mind but after several reoccurrences and feeling severely depressed, I eventually gave in.
I was managing the swimming pool that summer and having a horrible experience. I was not getting along with my boss or the lifeguards. They had a lot of bad things to say about me. I found myself cutting a lot. I hated how I was letting people get to my wrist (literally) but I found that it was the only thing that helped me deal with the events of the summer.
And unfortunately, almost three years later, I am still a cutter, letting people get to my wrists. I tried to stop. I have managed to go several months without cutting, only to break down and cut. I always hate when I do it because it means that I have to start all over. I had been doing so well. Recently though, I no longer care. I have lost count how many times I have cut over the last few months with no regrets.
Many people do not understand why I do it or what I am feeling when I take the blade to my wrist. But I can tell you this: Words hurt. Words are just as sharp as a sword. They may say the pen is mightier than the sword, but to a cutter, the words will still cut.
I do not understand why You brought me to this small town. What in the world could You have planned for me here?
Why would You give me a difficult class that has so many boys, behavior problems, and learning difficulties? Why would You bring me to a school that has combined classrooms and very little prep time?
Why would You bring me to a community that has very few people my age? Why would there only be one person in the entire community willing to be my friend?
Lord, I know You do not give a person more than they can handle but surely You know that I am cutting again. And don’t You know that I have days where I am feeling depressed?
Why would You bring me to this place? What are Your plans for me? Reveal them to me so that I can live my life for You.