I Cannot Stop Pulling

Yesterday, I was pulling my hair from my eyebrows quite frequently. I already classify myself as bald even though I am only missing most of one eyebrow but everyday, I lose even more of the few hairs I have left. Yesterday, it was particularly bad. I kept pulling, realized I was doing it and then stop for a few minutes. Then, I would pull again.

Last night, after having sore fingers and a sore eyebrow, I finally put a bandaid on my thumb. I had to put it on at an awkward angle because otherwise, I could still pull.

Today, I did not pull at all, at least not with the hand that the bandaid was on. I do pull with my other hand but not that often. However, my students noticed the bandage and several of them asked what had happened because of the awkward angle. I ended up lying to the kids and told them that my cat had scratched me. I cannot tell my students that I cannot stop pulling out my hair. They would not understand.

I have a hard time lying though. I felt awful about lying. However, I feel great about not pulling for a day.

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My Friend Noticed

My friend noticed me pulling my hair out yesterday. I did not even realize I was doing it until she called me out on it. It was kind of embarrassing even though she just told me to stop. She is the only person that knows I have trichotillomania so she is the only person that can stop me.

It is getting frustrating having trich. I am basically missing one of my eyebrows. I am bald. My friend says that it is not noticeable because my eyebrows are so light but it is only a matter of time before people start noticing. I cannot hide my problem forever; especially since I am losing more and more hair everyday.

I have a spinner ring but it just does not seem to be helping.

Mary Kay Party with Trich

One of my students invited me to a party tonight. Despite the anxiety the party was giving me, I agreed to go because I could see that it meant a lot to my student for me to be there. However, when in arrived, I realized that it was a Mary Kay party for both adults and kids. I immediately regretted coming.

I do not wear makeup for religious reasons. I believe God made me beautiful on the outside but it is really what is on the inside that counts. I do not want to alter God’s creation. I am ok with wearing makeup for fun if it is just for me but I don’t. I also don’t really know how to put it on and that had me extremely nervous. I was afraid of looking stupid.

I was also afraid to be there because of my trichotillomania. I have been pulling the hair from my eyebrows again and was afraid people would look to closely at my face and notice the bald spots.

I guess I did have a good time despite my problems though.

 

What’s in My Pocket

I suffer from trichotillomania. I have no control over the pulling of my hair and often have bald spots in my eyebrows. Recently, I got switched to a different antidepressant and it is making me more anxious than before. I read that that is normal at the beginning though. But with the increase in anxiety, I have been pulling even more. I was complaining to my friend and told her that I have read online of people that have stuff in their hands to play with in order to control their pulling urges. I told her that I sometimes use a stress ball when I am talking on the phone but have nothing to use when I am at school. I could not hide the stress ball from my students. My friend suggested that I keep something in my coat pocket that I could play with when I wanted to pull. That is why I put a little pompom ball in my pocket.

Today, I actually did play with it. It would have been better if I could have put it in my hand rather than play with it in my pocket but at least I have an option besides pulling.

My Cure for Trichotillomania

I recently joined a Facebook group for people that suffer from trichotillomania. Everyone in the group offers support for others that have problems with hair pulling. I like being part of the group because it shows me that I am not the only one that suffers from this problem. But at the same time though, it bothers me because nearly everyone in the group is focused on ways to stop and I am definitely not one of them. I realized awhile ago that I have no control over my hair pulling. It is hard to stop something that is so impulsive. I have made small attempts such as using a stress ball when I talk on the phone just so I could not use my hands to pull but all that really did was cause resentment towards the stress ball.

Yes, having trichotillomania bothers me because I always have bald spots in my eyebrows but it is not like the problem will just magically go away.

Yesterday though, something amazing happened and I did not even realize it until this morning. I always call my mom on Sunday night. I always pull my hair when I am on the phone with anyone. I gave up using the stress ball at the beginning of the summer. I did not pull once though. And it was not until I looked in the mirror this morning that I realized that my eyebrows were no worse than before the phone call. It was absolutely amazing!

I attribute it to my newest antidepressant. It is starting to work miracles in my life.

Damage Control

I hate doing my eyebrows. I hate the obligation that females must have thin, beautiful eyebrows. There are other activities I would rather do then make my eyebrows look nice. It is even harder for me to grab a pair of tweezers and start pulling hair because of my OCD. My OCD prevents me from doing my eyebrows unless I do not have to work the next day. I cannot do my eyebrows on my day off (unless I happen to have two days off). I must do it right after I get off work and have the next day off. I feel like twenty four hours must pass between when I do my eyebrows and when I have to work.

I only have one day off a week so that makes it very difficult to get it done. It is even harder when I work late that night.

Because of my trichotillomania though, I sometimes to do not have much to do. Last night, I mostly had to do damage control. I just had to work to hide the bald spots. It was surprisingly easy. Sometimes, there is nothing I can do.

So for now, my eyebrows look somewhat normal. That will all change though the next time I pull.

I Hate My Stress Ball

Every Sunday night, I eagerly pick up my phone to call my mom for our weekly talk. But then I put the phone down. I am forgetting something. I am forgetting my stress ball. I am the only person I know that has to use a stress ball to make a phone call. But if I don’t have it, I will be missing an eyebrow by the end of the conversation.

I have trichotillomania, hair pulling disorder. I discovered that I tend to pull when I am on the phone so I have recently decided to try having the ball in my hand from the very beginning. My hand often gets sweaty and I am tempted to put it down. But I know what will happen if I do.

I used to like stress balls as a kid. But now, I look at it with resentment. I hate the reason why I have to use it. I hate how I cannot make a phone call like a normal person.

My stress ball fell on the floor tonight right after I had dialed the number. Because my phone was charging, I could not get it. I was actually kind of happy to see my ball out of reach. I did end up pulling a little. I was conscious of my hands most of the time which did help. If I had not put in all that thought, I probably would have done major damage to my eyebrows. I have so much resentment towards my stress ball but obviously I do need it.

My Trich Dilemma

I have trichotillomania. That means that I pull out my hair without even realizing it as a way to deal with stressors. I pull from my eyebrows which usually means that I have bald patches in my eyebrows. I always thought I was crazy because I did not know there was a name for what I did. It was not until I learned about trich that I realized that there was a reason behind my madness. I learned that pulling often happens when a person is bored or doing something like reading or talking on the phone.

I do pull when I talk on the phone. It has gotten so that when I am planning on talking on the phone, I hold on to a stress ball so that I will not pull. Of course, the other night, I got tired of holding on to the ball and my hand started heading to my eyebrows.

Lately, I have noticed that I pull when I am grading students’ assignments. The bald spots are getting worse. I have wondered if I should bring the stress ball to school to hold when I am grading. But at the same time, the custodian is in the room and she will be sure to ask questions. Plus, other teachers frequently pop in to ask me something. Nobody has ever pointed out that I have odd eyebrows but they would be sure to talk about the stress ball which would then lead to questions about my eyebrows.

What is more embarrassing: Bald patches in my eyebrows or holding on to a stress ball which will mean questions about my disorder? I know I have probably mentioned before that I am all about raising awareness for mental illness and telling people about Jesus at the same time but I actually do that through fictional writing and my blog posts. I am not ready to do it in person.

I Had Eyebrows for Two Weeks

For the last two weeks, I have had an opportunity to grow my eyebrows back (partially). The hair was starting to grow and I was proud of them. The only reason they grew back though is because I get the urge to pull when I am talking on the phone. I went home for the last two weekends so I did not need to call home. Last night though, I did need to call. And now the little hairs that had come back are gone. I never used to be aware of when I was pulling but now I know I do it when I am on the phone so I am more watchful of it. I am hoping that will give me more control. I think next week when I call home, I am going to hold on to a stress ball so that I have something to do with my hand which will mean I will not be able to pull.

I Hate My Life

I hate my life! My fish died today. I got absolutely no sympathy from my mom. My students never behave. I live all alone in the middle of no where. I suffer from depression, anxiety, trich, and OCD sysptoms. I am also a cutter. I am normally a much more positive person. I just think it is time for things to change. Doesn’t anyone know that I exist?