Welcome Back, Depression and Counseling

This summer I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt amazing. I felt like I would never be depressed again. No one was happier than me. And then my depression came back right after I left the amusement park and went on vacation. I could not believe that I was depressed while on vacation. At first, I blamed my feelings on being tired. But once I got home, the feelings did not go away.

I had to go off one of my antidepressants in July because it was going to cost me a thousand dollars even with insurance. I honestly thought I would be ok because I was on so many other antidepressants and I was on top of the world.

So in the middle of August, I welcomed back my depression. I have gone back on my missing antidepressant but I still do not feel right. The desire to self-harm has been very strong. I am trying not to give in because on October 2nd, I will be one year clean. It has been extremely difficult not to do it.

I am afraid that once I reach one year being clean, I will go back to cutting. Right now, I am just taking it one day at a time, which is not easy.

Because of my urge to cut as well as my overwhelming depression, I reached out to the college counselor. I really did not want to go back to counseling because that means another 40 minute trip to school and back on top of my two days of class a week. But I knew that I needed help.


I am a Published Author

I have had the pleasure to have two of my books self-published this summer. While I did have to pay to get my books published, I am not keeping any of the royalties I earn. Since God gave me the gift of writing, I am using it for Him. That means I am donating my royalties to the church. To help out my church and to read my books, click on the links below. Thanks!

Teenage Bridge


An Unexpected Friendship


I Still Don’t Want a Boyfriend

I wrote a couple of weeks ago that this guy at the amusement park wanted to be my boyfriend but I really don’t want to date. I have been single for so long that I actually enjoy it most of the time. I am a very independent person and would like to stay that way.

I thought he might leave me alone after I left the park for the summer. After all, we live about four hours apart. That has not stopped him though.

For my birthday, he insisted that we get together. I had class on my birthday which he seemed to not understand so we went to the zoo the day before. I love the zoo and this was my second time in 2018. Then, he insisted on buying season passes. I could not understand why because I live an hour from the zoo and he lives three hours or more from the zoo. I really didn’t want to get together because I was depressed at that time but I somehow made it through.

Speaking of depression, this guy learned that I was on antidepressants. I thought he would be ok with it because I told him before that that I have OCD and trichotillomania. He was not pleased. He said that he went through some hard times and didn’t need medication. I tried to explain that I had to make a choice between life or suicide and I chose life. I don’t think that was good enough for him but I am not stopping my medication for anyone. I don’t bring up my depression anymore.

Then, he wanted to get together last week. He doesn’t seem to understand that I am taking online classes and have labs two days a week. That doesn’t include the homework, which he definitely doesn’t understand because he never went to college. That keeps me very busy. He decided to come to my house in the afternoon so that I could have the morning to work. I worked hard all that morning and still didn’t get everything done. Plus, it was so boring when he was here that I am in no hurry to repeat that. He seems to have a lot of plans for the future but I know that he won’t accomplish any of them. He wants to work at PetSmart, drive a truck, work in my hometown for a building place, join the military, and work in Colorado (I really hope he chooses this one).

Whatever. Most of the time I only have to deal with his annoying texts. And as soon as I get a part-time job, we won’t be able to hang out much. I have been delaying that because I am still getting over my depression.

No More Teaching

I have meant to blog more often but since I haven’t done so in several weeks, I have a lot to write.

Just to remind everyone, I quit teaching in December, worked at Check Into Cash until May, and then went to work at the amusement park for the summer. I have been home for the last couple of weeks because I have decided to go back to school and study dental assisting. That has been keeping me busy.

It definitely felt strange not teaching this year. For the last four years, I have had to get ready for the beginning of the school year. In some ways, I do miss teaching. But I definitely do not miss the parents. I thought of my students at both the schools where I taught on the first day.

It really hurt me though a couple of weeks ago when it was my birthday and not one of any of my teacher friends on Facebook wished me happy birthday. It really shocked me that the Christian school did not say anything. Even I was only there for half a year and I left because of my mental problems, I still expected everyone to be friendly.

I spent my birthday depressed. It was not because of the lack of birthday wishes though. I got the ones that really counted. No, my depression came back right after I left the amusement park. I had to go off one of my medications because it was going to cost me a thousand dollars.

I am now back on my antidepressant (and it only cost me $30). I am feeling better but I was on such a high this summer that feeling normal just doesn’t feel right. That makes me afraid that I have bipolar disorder.

In my next post, I will talk about the guy that I don’t want to be my boyfriend because unfortunately, that is still going on.

Devotions from the Lake

With over one hundred beautiful pictures and exactly one hundred devotions, Devotions from the Lake, by Betsy Painter, is a daily devotional that contains daily devotions focused around summer at the lake house and around the lake. Each devotion begins with a Bible verse and is followed by a devotion that is about three paragraphs in length. Then, it is ended with a short prayer.  Each daily devotion has a beautiful photograph that focuses on the day’s topic.

While the photographs are very beautiful, calling this a lake devotional is a stretch. Most of the devotions are related to nature but there are a few pages that make you wonder what it has to do with the lake. Also, the three-paragraph devotions often do not mention God until the last paragraph. The devotional is weak. I found it difficult to focus on the meaning of each page. It did not help me spiritually grow closer to God.

I received this book free from Book Look Bloggers. All ideas are my own.

I Don’t Want a Boyfriend

I am back at the amusement park working in rides. I am no longer a manager but just a ride operator and so far, my anxiety has been much less than it was last year. I also have my OCD mostly under control which is a good thing. I have even decided what I am going to do after the summer is over. But I will write about that in another post.

Today, I am writing about the tortures of having a guy like me and not feeling the same way in return. It all started when I went to the amusement park’s church service one week. There, a guy that is a few years older than me asked me to sit with him. I figured it was no big deal. I knew him and thought him to be a little strange but still a Christian. After the service, he asked for my number. And that was a mistake.

I got a call for the next several days. I only answered it one time because he sure talks a lot. And I had nothing to say. After a few days, we switched to texting which is better for me since I don’t really like talking over the phone.

After that, he has been on me to hang out all the time. We hung out all day at the water park. We went and saw a movie. We also went out to eat a couple of times. Then, he asked if I wanted to date. The answer was obviously no but that it not what I told him. So we went on a ‘date’ (ew) where we went out to eat, went to the mall, and then looked at animals in a pet store. Now, he just assumes that we are going on another ‘date’ in two days and I am trying to think of everything I can to get out of it without hurting him.

I just wanted to be friends. I am not the most social person and thought maybe we would go to the amusement park a few times.

Like I said, he is a Christian but I think of him as a little strange. And I am being realistic when I say that it is not going to work out. He lives over an hour away from the amusement park and he drives a motorcycle to work most days. (I refuse to ride it). I live nearly three hours in the opposite direction. And I am not traveling that far to go see him and I do not want him driving that far to see me since I don’t feel the same way. We have nothing in common other than we both work at the amusement park (in different departments, thank goodness). We both have different dreams for the future that are not really compatible at the time.

I don’t want to hurt him but I also am tired of answering his continuous texts (I never ask anything back and am getting to the point when sometimes I don’t even respond). I don’t want to go on ‘dates’ or friendship outings anymore. I don’t want to lead him on. I really like being single and really don’t want to get married. I am just at a loss about what to do. The end of the summer can’t come fast enough.

I Can Only Imagine Children’s Book

I Can Only Imagine: A Friendship with Jesus Now and Forever is a children’s book by Bart Millard with Laura Neutzling based on the song and movie by Mercyme. In the book, a child imagines what Heaven will be like. The child pictures all the good things about life here on earth and pictures these things to be even better in Heaven. The child pictures what a day will be like in Heaven, such as making your bed and eating breakfast in the morning. He wonders if Jesus will play with him and whether he will get to eat huge ice cream cones before lunch.

I really liked this children’s book because it gets young children to think about Heaven and wonder what Jesus and God are really like. This book is perfect for very young kids and teaches them the message that God is great and that they will one day spend eternity in Heaven.

I received this book free from BookLookBloggers. All ideas are my own.

I Can Only Imagine Book Review

Bart Millard is now the lead singer for the band MercyMe. He is probably most famous for his song “I Can Only Imagine” and now for the movie about his life. But in the book, I Can Only Imagine, a memoir by Bart Millard with Robert Noland, readers get to take a deeper look into Bart’s life, beginning with the abuse from his father. As Bart grows up, his father still abuses him, but Bart also takes an interest in Christianity and music. Later, he decides to pursue music as a career and comes to write his most famous song for his father that had recently died.

If you have seen the movie, then this book is perfect for behind the scenes events that took place in Bart’s life. However, this book is not based on the movie. Basically, it contains events from his life that did not make it into the movie. This book is absolutely wonderful though. It is filled with the message that God has huge plans for each one of us that do not always make sense at first.

I received this book free from Book Look Bloggers. All ideas are my own.

The Dangers of Payday Loans

After working at Check Into Cash for four months, I feel it is necessary to warn of the negative effects of taking out a payday advance loan. I have watched so many people that have been hurt by what started out as a simple loan. The big question is: Are payday loans worth it? In my opinion, absolutely not.

Many people that start with their first payday loan are going through some emergency and need a little extra cash. It seems innocent enough. But then it comes time to pay it back. Once the loan is paid off, there is just not very much left of the paycheck to survive the next two weeks. The only answer is to take out another loan.

Check Into Cash allows people that pay off their payday loan to reborrow the next day. In fact, they encourage people to come in tomorrow to get more money to help out with the next two weeks. All you are out is the fee, which is extremely high.

A payday loan only lasts for two to four weeks, depending on a person’s payday. The interest on a loan of five hundred dollars is fifty-five dollars. That is over a three hundred percent interest rate. The interest rates go up if you borrow less than the five hundred.

Even though many people get a payday loan with the intention of only getting one, it isn’t that easy. Many people promise they only need the loan one time or that they are going to start. Like I said, it isn’t easy. What is easy is getting into the payday cycle. That is when a person borrows from one payday loan place to pay off another payday loan place. Then, they borrow from the second place to pay off the first.

It gets worse though. There comes a time when the loan cannot be paid off. Either hours are cut at work, a person loses their job, or another unexpected expense comes up and then there is no way to pay off the loan (or loans). Even though you still plan on paying it off when you eventually get the cash, you fall further and further behind on bills. Collection calls come through several times a day but you avoid them. You promise to pay but eventually, time runs out and you are sent to collections, where it will cost you even more money to pay off that loan.

Are payday loans worth it? Absolutely not. Figure out another way to get the cash you need until your next payday. Borrow the money or wait on car repairs. Do not get a payday loan. It will cost you tons of money for weeks, months, or even years.

Giving Up

I mentioned in one of my most recent posts that I got a new job in January at a payday advance place. I also mentioned that I was having difficulty answering the phone and that the boss told my manager I would be fired if I didn’t improve.

I thought that I had improved some. I knew I wasn’t perfect but I was getting there. And then, a manager from another store had to have the phone conversation with me again. I couldn’t understand why she was giving it to me instead of my manager.

I went home crying that night. I called my mom and asked if she could come over and talk. She did and we discussed my boss and the managers and whether I was really making a difference in the world by working there.

The next day, I put in my two week notice. I told my boss I was tired of the forty minute drive to and from work. I was really quitting because of the whole phone call situation. I knew I was not going to improve. You cannot force people to pay their loans off no matter how hard you try.

My boss talked to my manager before I had the chance and she was stunned. She had told me numerous times that she was fighting for me. And now lately, she is trying everything in her power to make me stay. First, she offered me part time hours but that is not going to happen because I already don’t make very much working full time. Then, she offered to hire a part time person that would answer the phones for me. As tempting as that offer is, I know I cannot get away with it. My boss is going to notice that I never answer the phone.

So, a week from Wednesday, I will be done. I will go to the amusement park to work again and find a job in the fall.

When I prayed to go back to the amusement park this summer, I had no idea that it would involve me almost getting fired and quitting my job over phone calls. I had had a different idea on how I was going to get to work at the amusement park.