I am back in counseling. I have been for about two months. I went back because I can get it free because I am going to school and because I had strong desires to cut myself. (I am currently one year free!) My counselor suggested that I see a psychiatrist to make sure my meds are working. The reason they were not working when I first started seeing her is because the pharmacy was going to charge me over one thousand dollars for one of my meds so I went off it for about a month. That was a mistake and I am now back on it. (And it didn’t cost me one thousand dollars.)
So, yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. She asked a lot of questions about my general health then moved on to asking me to describe my OCD. It was actually quite difficult because my OCD is almost under control. I take medication for it and I read this book that really helped me. After a lot of questions, she confirmed that I have OCD, which was not why I was there.
Then, she questioned me as to whether I might have bipolar disorder. I have suspected that I might have bipolar 2 since I seem to have good days and depressed days but I just don’t meet all the symptoms described during hypomania. So the psychiatrist is now going to play with my medication, one at a time, to find out if indeed I have bipolar disorder. That is going to take some time because I am on three different medications for mental illness and one for sleeping.
The other thing that really stuck out to me yesterday is when she was questioning my social skills. She thought it could be a case of Asperger’s. I did some research last night and the symptoms sound like me. But I don’t want another label on me. I know I am socially awkward and don’t do well around people but I try because I have to.
Leaving Cloud 9, by Ericka Andersen, tells the story of her husband as he grows up in a broken home. Rick was raised just by his mother, Sylvia, in a trailer park, who was an alcoholic and drug addict. Sometimes, there was a man in her life but he was just the same. Rick was often neglected. He had no friends and struggled throughout his childhood. When he was finally old enough to leave, he joined the military and got discharged because he suffered from PTSD and bipolar disorder. He married three times until the third one finally worked out.
The message of this book is about trusting God’s plans as well as the importance of forgiveness. This book is very interesting to read, however, it would be a better book if Rick had written it instead of his wife, Ericka. It would seem more personal and it would be easier to understand his emotions.
I received this book from Book Look Bloggers. All ideas are my own.
Today is an important day for me. I am one year clean from cutting myself. This last year has been far from easy. When I first quit, I was very depressed and still teaching. Then, once I got better, it became easier and I did not even think of cutting. But then I went off one of my antidepressants because I couldn’t afford it. I went back on it a month and a half later but it was too late. I was depressed for about two months. These last two months were very trying but I am happy to say I am doing better and I have made it a year!!!!!!
An Amish Family, by Kathleen Fuller contains four short love stories about four Amish families. The first short story is Building Trust. In it, Grace falls in love with Joel but dates him secretly until he proposes to her. When it comes to telling her family, her father overreacts and says that he will not allow the marriage. Now, Grace and Joel must find a way to receive his blessing so that they can marry.
In the second story, A Heart Full of Love, Ellie, a young blind woman, announces to her family that she is pregnant. Her mother does not think that Ellie can take care of a baby. She really thinks that when Ellie announces that she is having twins. Once the babies are born, her mother insists on taking care of them without Ellie’s help. Now, Ellie must figure out why her mother does not trust her.
In Surprised by Love, Emily’s mother insists that she start seeing Wayne. Emily does not like Wayne, so she lies and says that she is seeing Reuben. Reuben goes along with the lie and they pretend to date. As time goes on, they begin to have real feelings for each other.
Finally, in A Gift for Anne Marie, Anne Marie becomes furious when she learns that her mother is going to remarry. It becomes even worse when she is told the family will be moving to Ohio from Pennsylvania. Anne Marie cannot bear the thought of leaving Nathaniel, her lifelong best friend.
These four short stories were very predictable and it hardly seemed like the families were Amish. The only way a person could tell was by the language that they used. The spiritual message was a little weak. Faith is rarely mentioned but overall, the message was to trust God when it comes to the future because He has plans that only He understands.
This summer I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt amazing. I felt like I would never be depressed again. No one was happier than me. And then my depression came back right after I left the amusement park and went on vacation. I could not believe that I was depressed while on vacation. At first, I blamed my feelings on being tired. But once I got home, the feelings did not go away.
I had to go off one of my antidepressants in July because it was going to cost me a thousand dollars even with insurance. I honestly thought I would be ok because I was on so many other antidepressants and I was on top of the world.
So in the middle of August, I welcomed back my depression. I have gone back on my missing antidepressant but I still do not feel right. The desire to self-harm has been very strong. I am trying not to give in because on October 2nd, I will be one year clean. It has been extremely difficult not to do it.
I am afraid that once I reach one year being clean, I will go back to cutting. Right now, I am just taking it one day at a time, which is not easy.
Because of my urge to cut as well as my overwhelming depression, I reached out to the college counselor. I really did not want to go back to counseling because that means another 40 minute trip to school and back on top of my two days of class a week. But I knew that I needed help.
I have had the pleasure to have two of my books self-published this summer. While I did have to pay to get my books published, I am not keeping any of the royalties I earn. Since God gave me the gift of writing, I am using it for Him. That means I am donating my royalties to the church. To help out my church and to read my books, click on the links below. Thanks!
An Unexpected Friendship
I wrote a couple of weeks ago that this guy at the amusement park wanted to be my boyfriend but I really don’t want to date. I have been single for so long that I actually enjoy it most of the time. I am a very independent person and would like to stay that way.
I thought he might leave me alone after I left the park for the summer. After all, we live about four hours apart. That has not stopped him though.
For my birthday, he insisted that we get together. I had class on my birthday which he seemed to not understand so we went to the zoo the day before. I love the zoo and this was my second time in 2018. Then, he insisted on buying season passes. I could not understand why because I live an hour from the zoo and he lives three hours or more from the zoo. I really didn’t want to get together because I was depressed at that time but I somehow made it through.
Speaking of depression, this guy learned that I was on antidepressants. I thought he would be ok with it because I told him before that that I have OCD and trichotillomania. He was not pleased. He said that he went through some hard times and didn’t need medication. I tried to explain that I had to make a choice between life or suicide and I chose life. I don’t think that was good enough for him but I am not stopping my medication for anyone. I don’t bring up my depression anymore.
Then, he wanted to get together last week. He doesn’t seem to understand that I am taking online classes and have labs two days a week. That doesn’t include the homework, which he definitely doesn’t understand because he never went to college. That keeps me very busy. He decided to come to my house in the afternoon so that I could have the morning to work. I worked hard all that morning and still didn’t get everything done. Plus, it was so boring when he was here that I am in no hurry to repeat that. He seems to have a lot of plans for the future but I know that he won’t accomplish any of them. He wants to work at PetSmart, drive a truck, work in my hometown for a building place, join the military, and work in Colorado (I really hope he chooses this one).
Whatever. Most of the time I only have to deal with his annoying texts. And as soon as I get a part-time job, we won’t be able to hang out much. I have been delaying that because I am still getting over my depression.
I have meant to blog more often but since I haven’t done so in several weeks, I have a lot to write.
Just to remind everyone, I quit teaching in December, worked at Check Into Cash until May, and then went to work at the amusement park for the summer. I have been home for the last couple of weeks because I have decided to go back to school and study dental assisting. That has been keeping me busy.
It definitely felt strange not teaching this year. For the last four years, I have had to get ready for the beginning of the school year. In some ways, I do miss teaching. But I definitely do not miss the parents. I thought of my students at both the schools where I taught on the first day.
It really hurt me though a couple of weeks ago when it was my birthday and not one of any of my teacher friends on Facebook wished me happy birthday. It really shocked me that the Christian school did not say anything. Even I was only there for half a year and I left because of my mental problems, I still expected everyone to be friendly.
I spent my birthday depressed. It was not because of the lack of birthday wishes though. I got the ones that really counted. No, my depression came back right after I left the amusement park. I had to go off one of my medications because it was going to cost me a thousand dollars.
I am now back on my antidepressant (and it only cost me $30). I am feeling better but I was on such a high this summer that feeling normal just doesn’t feel right. That makes me afraid that I have bipolar disorder.
In my next post, I will talk about the guy that I don’t want to be my boyfriend because unfortunately, that is still going on.
With over one hundred beautiful pictures and exactly one hundred devotions, Devotions from the Lake, by Betsy Painter, is a daily devotional that contains daily devotions focused around summer at the lake house and around the lake. Each devotion begins with a Bible verse and is followed by a devotion that is about three paragraphs in length. Then, it is ended with a short prayer. Each daily devotion has a beautiful photograph that focuses on the day’s topic.
While the photographs are very beautiful, calling this a lake devotional is a stretch. Most of the devotions are related to nature but there are a few pages that make you wonder what it has to do with the lake. Also, the three-paragraph devotions often do not mention God until the last paragraph. The devotional is weak. I found it difficult to focus on the meaning of each page. It did not help me spiritually grow closer to God.
I received this book free from Book Look Bloggers. All ideas are my own.
I am back at the amusement park working in rides. I am no longer a manager but just a ride operator and so far, my anxiety has been much less than it was last year. I also have my OCD mostly under control which is a good thing. I have even decided what I am going to do after the summer is over. But I will write about that in another post.
Today, I am writing about the tortures of having a guy like me and not feeling the same way in return. It all started when I went to the amusement park’s church service one week. There, a guy that is a few years older than me asked me to sit with him. I figured it was no big deal. I knew him and thought him to be a little strange but still a Christian. After the service, he asked for my number. And that was a mistake.
I got a call for the next several days. I only answered it one time because he sure talks a lot. And I had nothing to say. After a few days, we switched to texting which is better for me since I don’t really like talking over the phone.
After that, he has been on me to hang out all the time. We hung out all day at the water park. We went and saw a movie. We also went out to eat a couple of times. Then, he asked if I wanted to date. The answer was obviously no but that it not what I told him. So we went on a ‘date’ (ew) where we went out to eat, went to the mall, and then looked at animals in a pet store. Now, he just assumes that we are going on another ‘date’ in two days and I am trying to think of everything I can to get out of it without hurting him.
I just wanted to be friends. I am not the most social person and thought maybe we would go to the amusement park a few times.
Like I said, he is a Christian but I think of him as a little strange. And I am being realistic when I say that it is not going to work out. He lives over an hour away from the amusement park and he drives a motorcycle to work most days. (I refuse to ride it). I live nearly three hours in the opposite direction. And I am not traveling that far to go see him and I do not want him driving that far to see me since I don’t feel the same way. We have nothing in common other than we both work at the amusement park (in different departments, thank goodness). We both have different dreams for the future that are not really compatible at the time.
I don’t want to hurt him but I also am tired of answering his continuous texts (I never ask anything back and am getting to the point when sometimes I don’t even respond). I don’t want to go on ‘dates’ or friendship outings anymore. I don’t want to lead him on. I really like being single and really don’t want to get married. I am just at a loss about what to do. The end of the summer can’t come fast enough.