On My Way to Happiness

I turned in my letter of resignation today. I also told a few people that I was leaving so that they would be prepared when they saw it in the school board minutes tomorrow. To some degree, it has been difficult telling people. It is difficult telling people that I have no job lined up because it is very obvious then that I am leaving because I do not like my job.

It is the truth though. I have been unhappy for awhile. I was stunned last fall when my counselor asked me why I was still a teacher when I did not like it but she asked a very good question. It has not been an easy question to answer though. I am giving up a stable job and everything that is familiar. That has been terrifying. It has also made my mind wrestle back and forth about whether to give up teaching or not.

Finally, I just called my mom and talked to her. The second I told her that I was considering leaving teaching, she told me that she knew I was unhappy. She doesn’t know the half of it since she doesn’t know that I suffer from depression. But, I thought I hid it well. We talked a little and in the end, I knew that I needed to leave. And ever since then, my mind has settled down and there has been no more wrestling about what to do.

I still have five more weeks of school left. And in some ways, it feels like an eternity. But maybe I can go forth a little differently since I know that I am leaving a job that has made me so unhappy.

The Berenstain Bears Bless Our Pets Review

In The Berenstain Bears Bless Our Pets, by Mike Berenstain, all of Bear Country’s pets are invited to church to be blessed. The Bear family takes their dog, cat, fish, and bird to be blessed. At first, everything is going all right. Then, a dog scares one of the cats which starts a chain reaction among all the other animals. In the end, God calms the animals through the preacher and the animals are able to be blessed since they are a gift from God.

I definitely recommend this book for all children. The plot is very interesting since it deals with animals, which most kids love. There are also some funny parts of the story like when it talks about some of the animals the kids bring and also when all of the pets go crazy. The glossy pictures of the animals, as well as the Bear family, are very entertaining and help tell the story. The spiritual message is very clear as well: God created all creatures and we need to thank Him for the gift of pets. This book is a must-read for all fans of The Berenstain Bears.

I received this book from Book Look Bloggers to review. All ideas are mine.

Teacher Contract Deadline

It has been awhile since I have last written. I have been busy and did not have much to say. Pretty much anxiety has consumed me. I have started taking Ativan in addition to my daily medication without my doctor’s approval. I still have the pills left over from a long time ago and thought that they might help with the extreme anxiety.

What has gotten me all anxious? Well, it is almost time for teacher contracts to be signed and I still am at a loss about what to do. I hate teaching but at least I have a steady paycheck, a job, and health insurance. If I choose to not sign my contract, I am choosing to give all of that up because I do not have another job lined up. I keep telling myself that if I cannot find a job, I will go work at Walmart.

I am at such a loss about what to do. My friends are no help either. They clearly want me to stay in teaching. But they do not understand the depression and anxiety that consume me each day because of teaching. It will be hard to leave them but I just don’t think I can do another year of teaching.

What should I do?

The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb

In The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb, by Jamin Goggin and Kyle Strobel, power is the enemy. Power comes from the ways of below. People need to walk in the ways from above. It is through time, experience, and Jesus that one gains power, or, for a better term, control. Power of love is one of the good forms of power. There are many bad forms of power in the world today, however. There is money, personality, racism, and so many others. Again, it is important to refrain from these powers and walk in the ways of God.

The message of this book is very clear: Power is a sin. The authors try to make the book interesting by talking to people that they consider to be very influential at the beginning of the chapters. However, the book gets to be very long and repetitive. This book is more suited towards people that are in very powerful and influential positions such as pastors, presidents, government officials, or even church officials that have a say in what goes on at the church. If a person is not in a position that has lots of responsibility, the book tends to get long and boring.

I received this book free through Book Look Bloggers. All ideas and opinions are mine.

 

The Lecture

I have been hanging around with my two friends a lot more often in the last couple of weeks. This makes me very happy because I am a very lonely person. I do not have any other friends and I live in the middle of nowhere so there isn’t a lot to do.

Yesterday, my friend invited me to go to this town that is an hour away. I agreed but I had a feeling that I was in for a lecture. After all, my friends just recently found out that I am considering leaving teaching and the decision kind of bothered them. In fact, in church on Sunday, one of them asked if we needed to have a discussion about my career plans.

Sure enough, the lecture came. My friend pointed out everything she considered nice about teaching. I know she had the intention of not only keeping me in this horrid town, but also to keep me in teaching. I felt degraded during the conversation. I really did not say much. My friend just doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know that I was feeling suicidal shortly after I returned to this place last fall and that is why I am currently in counseling. She doesn’t understand the anxiety and depression that fills me at work. For me, there are no nice things about teaching. I am very unhappy.

I did not say anything though. I felt like a little kid being told what to do. The tears threatened but I managed to hold them at bay. I am still trapped here for another two months and I want friends. But having no friends is just as bad as the lecture I endured yesterday.

I do not know how to communicate to my friends what I am feeling. I do not even understand my emotions or my thoughts. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea how to support myself and be happy at the same time. And it is the lecture that is making me consider why life is really worth living. I try to remind myself that God has a plan for me and I just need to be patient but it is so hard. There are only two more months of school left and I have no answers.

Am I Abandoning God’s Gifts?

Last night, I was hanging out with my friends. It was amazing because we never hang out anymore. But anyway, the atmosphere changed when we started talking about jobs. My friends know that I want to move away from this small town and closer to my home state. That is how the conversation started. They just wanted to know if I was looking. But then I let it slip that I am looking for jobs outside of education which of course, came as a total shock to them.

After that, I was told that I was a good teacher. I know that he really meant it because as school psychologist, he has been in my classroom before observing students. Then, he told me he has heard it from other people as well.

I have been told by several people that I am a good teacher. And maybe I am and maybe I am not. I look at myself both ways. But then I am reminded of the story in the Bible of the man who gives three people each a different amount of talents (coins) and they are supposed to use these talents. Two of the people do, the other doesn’t. The talent is then taken away from the one and given to one of the others.

I cannot help but feel like this one guy who doesn’t use his talent. If my one talent is taken away, what exactly am I supposed to do? I have no other talents. But teaching is not what I want to do. I do not understand why God would give me a talent that makes me unhappy.

 

I Am a New Person

It has been awhile since I have last blogged. My medication got changed and now I feel like a completely new person. The thing is, the only life I have really known is depression and anxiety which stopped me a lot of times from truly living my life. I am finding that being ‘normal’ is rather odd but also very nice.

One thing new I got to try was an event at church. In the past, I never would have gone to a church event without any friends going. But I went to a church dinner (something even scarier than regular church events) and sat with some people I  know and ended up having a great time. I was so proud of myself that night that I was almost in tears. I emailed my counselor that night and she was proud of me too. That night has become a reference to what my life has become.

I got invited to a Mary Kay party tonight but I am not sure I really want to go. It is a three day weekend and I am always lonely but I am not really into that kind of thing. Plus, it is some shaving legs party or something of that sort which I find kind of embarrassing. Plus, those parties are always about buying things and the products are so expensive and I am allergic to a lot of things that go on the skin. I guess even though I am a new person, I still will find things that are not right for me.

Another thing I am currently working on is trying to find another job. My counselor and I have decided that teaching is not right for me. I still have no idea what I want to do. I have applied for a lot of jobs and have gotten a few leads but they want someone right away and I am under contract until May. I am getting very impatient and am constantly being reminded by God that I need to trust Him. It definitely is not easy.

Life is still hard despite the medication. But I am trying and am at least getting somewhere than I was before the medication changes.

Clash of Kingdoms by Charles Dyer and Mark Tobey

Are we currently approaching the End of Times? In Clash of Kingdoms by Charles Dyer and Mark Tobey, events from the last few decades could possibly mean that Jesus will be returning soon. From all of the political turmoil in the Middle East to the most recent events involving Britain leaving the European Union, there have been a lot of problems with no resolution. Even if there was resolution to these problems, what would it look like? Would the end of ISIS lead to something much worse? Or would it lead to the peaceful period predicted in the Bible at the End of Times?

History is what leads up to the End of Times. And there was a lot of history mentioned in the book that got to be a little long and boring; even if it does involve countries that are currently having issues and are mentioned in the Bible. However, the message of this book is very clear: The End is near and everyone needs to be ready for when Jesus returns to Earth to take His faithful servants. The way to Heaven is perfection. However, since no one is perfect, Jesus paid the price. All we need to do is accept His forgiveness and we all can spend eternity in Heaven.

I was provided a free copy from Book Look Bloggers.

No More Faking Fine by Ester Fleece

“How are you doing?”

“Fine.”

Asking someone how they are doing is a very common question and yet so frequently, someone is not fine. In No More Faking Fine by Ester Fleece, she addresses the necessary process of grieving, or lamentation. Without lamenting, faith can be lost. It is easy to move on with life and forget about the sadness or make comparisons to people who might have it worst. Lamenting brings everyone closer to God, however. This is not a time to be strong. The disciples lamented. Jesus lamented. Jesus even questioned God when on the cross. It is ok to question God. God wants our pain in order to heal us and move on with life.

Ester Fleece presents a strong message about lamenting and how good it is for the body in order to heal and then move on with life. The author suffered from depression herself and gives stories of her life and examples of when she tried to be strong and when she finally needed to just relax and lament. There are tough times in life. It is not karma from God. God is needed during the lamenting process and then afterward when there is a feeling of peace that comes from accepting and processing life’s tough moments.

I was provided a free copy of this book from Book Look Bloggers.

How Do I Talk to My Friend

Some of the people at school know that I am looking for a job. They know that I want a job outside of education. The bad thing is, some of these people are gossips. I need references, though. And that means asking some people.

I have always found it difficult to ask people to be references. I really do not get close enough for people to ever really get to know the real me. The people that actually do meet reference material end up leaving or something that makes it difficult for them to become references. My jobs haven’t always made it easy to find references, though. I quit that job at the pool. That job had the same boss as when I worked summer recreation the two summers before that. Then, I worked in an office in college. They were great references but I haven’t been there since 2012. The school I am at right now is very small and that limits potential references.

Anyway, references are not only difficult to find but with my social anxiety, it is even more difficult for me to ask. So yesterday was a big deal for me.

The worst thing about this whole situation is that a lot of people know but my ‘friend’ does not. I cannot ask her to be a reference. Also, she was not even at school yesterday. I am not sure whether I should tell her tomorrow so that she will find out from me or if I should just pretend that it is not a big deal and let her find out from the gossips. We are not really close anymore but I have a feeling that she will be upset if she finds out from them. I just don’t know what to do.